Saturday, 15 March 2014

First time in a while I reached for a sleeping tablet to go to sleep last night. Just didn't want to be with my thoughts. I didn't want to lay in my bed thinking about stuff and worrying. I could feel the anxiety creeping in and I wanted to run from that and just sleep.

I woke this morning feeling better for having some sleep but as the day progressed I could feel another emotional wave rolling in. Yesterday I had snippets of that feeling but today it stayed. I felt super sensitive and as things occurred during the day I knew I wasn't operating at a normal emotional level. I rarely do.

On the outside I know I'm doing well at making everything seem ok but on the inside I'm crumbling. There's no getting away from it and today that awareness struck me deep. That encompassing fear and worry.

If I keep myself busy enough I'm able to push it all back, but it's for only a short time it stays there and then rushes back in like a wave.
Jayden was not himself today either and the fact that I feel like I keep saying that worries me even more.

Every time I open Facebook I tragically read another child not winning this shitty fight against cancer. And I'm scared. Really scared. That ache in my heart that hurts like no other pain and the feeling that I can't take a breath engulfs me.
I hate it.

I put my little man to bed tonight and as he slept, I watched him. I have so much love for my little man, it hurts. It hurts so bad.

I love this time of the evening. When I'm not rushing around. We sit snuggled in the bed together, read books then turn out the light and chat, make funny faces and eventually he falls asleep. I then lay there watching him. Hoping with all my heart that I get to do this routine with him until he's too old to want me too and for so much longer after that. a lifetime. My heart aches so bad, for I want that to be true so much.

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