Sunday, 2 March 2014

"He's just thrown up ", danny comes up to tell me. I've been sitting watching tv as everyone else slept. I couldn't sleep so I went and sat in front of it for a while. I immediately jumped to my feet "who has ?" I said back to him, feeling the panic in my voice. "Luke" he says as I follow him back to the room. A sigh of relief came over me but concern still deeply imbedded in my mind.

I go to my big boy and give him a cuddle, stroke his head and tell him everything is going to be ok. Danny had already cleaned everything up so I just got more towels and a clean bucket ready for any more vomits to follow.

I went to the toilet to wash my hands and stood there remembering a time when gastro was the only thing I would think of. When Jayden was vomiting so often and all I knew then was. " it , must be a bad case of gastro ", Of course those thoughts did change but I remember when they were just so simple concerns. Now I'm standing here worrying or I should say "knowing" that vomiting isn't just a sign of gastro . I know it's unlikely in Luke and thankfully we he had an MRI not long ago so I can relax a little. But it doesn't stop the thought brushing my mind.

And then I think how much I wish when Jayden wAs vomiting in the beginning, that it was gastro too. God how I wish it was.

The little things take you back and throw you in that place of sadness so easily. I'm worried for my big boy but I'm just so devastated my little man didn't have gastro. God I so wish he had. I so wish his symptoms meant something simple like that, and his first ct scan he ever had, showed nothing.

A simple normal occurrence like my child throwing up, sends me to a place in my head that I try so hard to shut down. Worry. Concern. Sadness. Nightmare.

Feeling like I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.

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