Wednesday, 19 March 2014

Mum

I'm sitting in a hair salon getting my hair done. As I sit here and look at my reflection in the mirror I see my mum looking back at me. A ping of sadness hits me. I miss her. I see I've aged but what I see more is her. I think about her. When she was with me. How much I miss her. How much I've missed her through this whole journey.

I laid in bed last night and cried. Then I rolled over to see her photo on the wall. Her face looking at me. It made me feel stronger. She would have hated to see me so upset. This whole journey would have been so painful for her to witness. I breathe deeply in and find the strength within me to stop crying. She would have told me to be strong and dig deep to find the strength to be the mum I need to be for my kids. Because they need me.

I remember when we were kids and her dad died and then her mum, she never stopped being our mum. She never fell apart, she never lost focus on us and she never gave up on us. I owe it to her to model that. To be that mum.

So as I laid in bed last night quietly crying I thought of her. I dug deep and got myself off to sleep. This morning as I sit getting my hair done I see her again but this time in me. She's there. I know she is and every time a wave comes crashing in I need to remember that she's there. Within me. With me. Always.

2 comments:

  1. That is so beautiful and true Leisl. Hugs and love to you xx

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  2. Have just spent some time catching up on your blog posts, Leisl. Very beautiful post about your mother, can only imagine what a horrendous loss it is for you to struggle through the last years without her. Hugs.
    On another note, I am so pleased to hear that the new Kindy is working out for Jayden! Obviously, the other place was not the right fit - sounds like the people at the new place are much more understanding and accommodating. The most important thing is for Jayden to feel safe and comfortable - he certainly doesn't need any more traumas. One day - sooner than you think - he will be happily waving you out the door. And he will be fine and happy and well there.
    I also see that there are always health ups and downs - days when he feels unwell, tired, has a headache, etc. I know those days are so hard. I still get that horrible jolt of anxiety when Gav tells me his head hurts. Although I am learning to accept that headaches are a normal consequence of having had a tumour, and just need to be managed.
    Looking at Jayden though, I see an incredibly healthy-looking and normal little boy, (much healthier than my Bean who always manages to look sickly :-) out enjoying many fun days with mum. I know the anxiety is hard to manage, but stay focused on how very well he looks - sending you lots of love!! Erica xoxoxo

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