Monday, 31 March 2014

To know of a woman who has lost a child is devastating, to sit with her and listen to her story is beyond heartbreaking. Her story will remain with you forever. For it will crush you to the core.

Her grief will be with her, forever. There is no end to her grief. A mothers grief for the loss of her child, she will take with her, to her grave.

To see the pain in her eyes as she describes her loss is truly unbearable. The sadness in her heart, the confusion in her mind. All I wanted to do was change it for her, for them all. To reach up to heaven and bring their children back. I watch and listen with pain in my heart, it aches for them and for my own child. My biggest fear, they are living. My fear that I will one day be telling my story to them , fills my mind with dread and overwhelming sadness. The desperate plea I hear inside me over and over. Please, please, please don't take my son.

I went to bed that night after being out for dinner with women whom have suffered the unthinkable. and couldn't sleep. Their stories playing over and over in my head. I cried myself to sleep. I cried for them. For me. For their children. And most of all, for my son.

Constantly grieving for what once was. The normal life we all once had. The happy life. The life that didn't have childhood cancer in it.

I don't know how anyone survives the loss of their child. I look at the faces of the women that have and I feel for them so deeply. To wake every morning has got to be harder than they have ever known possible and to just live each day without their child, incredibly painful.

I'm so scared. I try to be strong. I try to just live in the moment and be grateful but deep inside I'm so damn scared. So petrified of losing my son. I want to be able to hold him forever and I'm so scared I won't be able too.

I love my little man so much, all my kids.

Tonight like every night after we read books and turned out the light, he asks me to cuddle him. As I lay snuggled up to him he slowly falls asleep. I lay there watching him. His beautiful little face. His innocence. I want to be able to hold him forever. I want to be able to watch him grow old. Let him drive me in his car that he so desperately wants to be able to do.

I'm so damn scared.

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