Jayden's MRI is tomorrow and I can't even begin to put words to how that feels. Nothing in the English vocabulary can truly and accurately describe the sick feeling in my stomach and the cloud of fear in which I'm existing.
He asked me yesterday when are we seeing his Nanna as I mentioned it to danny over dinner. I told him we would be meeting her at hospital as he has to have his MRI. He said to me " mummy I really don't like going there". "I know" I replied "neither do i but we have to go". "Why mummy?". This is the first time he's asked this with such clarity and need for answers. I didn't want to go Into detail and so just said "to make sure you are better". Fortunately that was enough, and he went off and played. I'm so glad he did as the tears were welling and I didn't want him to see me sad or scared out of my mind.
It's now evening and I feel like I've spent the entire day, week even, pushing back the thoughts of tomorrow. As it looms closer it becomes more difficult and today was almost impossible. Feeling as if I'm walking a tight rope of emotion where the slightest thing can set me off into an emotional mess. My mind has been like mush and trying to concentrate on anything has been almost impossible. My kids came home from school to tell me about their days and I can't hear them. Unable to take my mind away from my concern about tomorrow.
The sickening feeling of the reality of our life hits hard as MRIs approach. Just as the first day we found out about Jayden's tumour changed our life forever we know too, these scans are also capable of that, only far, far worse.
I watched my boys play together tonight and all I could feel was fear. Fear of losing these moments forever. I'm so scared. Exhausted with worry.
Praying and hoping with all my might that everything is ok. That everything is going to be ok. That Jayden's MRI is CLEAR and Praying and hoping he survives a lifetime.
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