I'm so damn grateful that everything is ok. We all are and we hope and pray it continues to be ok. More than anything in this world we want that. We so very much want that. No words are enough to say how desperate I am for that.
So back to today. I Drove Layla to school this morning and on my way back as always, when left with my thoughts, I think of Jayden and the journey our family is on. Not a day or second goes by, that I don't wish it were different, but whether I like it or not, it's our journey.
As I drove, I watched all the other cars and thought of the people inside them. They all have their own journeys too. Some of them easy and some of them hard and no doubt some not too different from mine. I know I have to accept mine, and I do, I don't have a choice. I have to get up every morning, get on with it and appreciate every moment I get. But sometimes.....
Sometimes I just want out. I want to not have to appreciate every moment but rather, take them for granted. And sometimes I just want time out from my head and it's thoughts. out of the thinking of the future and the worry.... Out of this journey... Oh, who am I kidding? Not sometimes..... all the time! I wish for a time to know, my son is cured. A time that I can shut my mind off and breathe.
Sometimes I just wish for a time That the constant feeling of tightness in my chest is gone. That i don't find myself exhausted from holding the thoughts that go with that in, and the keeping it together. To not have to burry all the emotions just to get through another day and instead disappear into a state of mind that makes it possible to truly relax. To be able to give moments their true happiness instead of allowing the blackness to spoil them.
I know it's so easy to say don't worry, just enjoy the moments. And I know that's the only choice there is. Because I also know, how lucky I am to have them. But sometimes I wish I could, take them for granted. Not stress about missing a second of everyday or end my day worrying if I have given my son the best day he could have. And Worrying about how many more will He get. Organising his birthday party with the worry of will He get another? Asking myself....Should I have sat down longer with him when he asked me to play cars? Will I live to regret that? Should I have taken him somewhere for another new experience? Wishing I hadn't growled at him when he was misbehaving. Will I regret all that? I just wish sometimes that I could make my head stop so that I could truly enjoy, every second. And have the knowledge, that I have so many more.
I can truly understand how some people turn to drugs and alcohol. I'm certainly not saying that's a good thing, but sometimes the idea of riding myself off so that I'm in a state of oblivion, seems extremely appealing. Although I know it would be short lived. And keeping myself in that state is simply not an option. That may all sound shocking to some but for the sake of shutting everything in my head down it doesn't to me.
That's not to say that's where I'm heading but sometimes i really feel that's where i want to be. Just to shut everything down for a while.
What I really want and the only thing that would help, is the knowledge that my son was cured forever. And, the knowledge that all other children living with cancer were cured.
The thought of anybody's child suffering with this dreadful disease is awful. Especially when I know those children and their families. Even when I don't, I feel like I do, because I understand their pain.
But I wish I didn't. I wish they didn't.
My little man went to Kindy the other day. My daughter came too and they both had a lovely time. But as always, as I sit and watch them play, my mind is churning the thoughts through it. It never stops and when I'm on my own it's the worst.
I'm due to go out this Saturday night with other cancer mums and I anticipate I may have more than one glass of wine. If only it were that easy.....
Love my kids, hope for a lifetime with them all and a lifetime for them all.....
Just love this picture... Favourite photo ever.
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