Sunday, 27 April 2014

Sunday morning. I woke to my two boys whispering, and then trotting off to the kitchen happily. I got to sleep in. Beautiful. Love my little munchkins.

They are such good mates my boys but also good enemies. Luke never cuts Jayden any slack which keeps their relationship normal but I also know he loves him dearly. Jayden adores Luke and aspires to be him always. It often makes me so sad watching them knowing the possible hurt ahead. I try to shut those thoughts away and stay in the moment and be grateful for this moment but believe me it's not always that easy.

I have been feeling really emotional these last few days and struggling to get through the days without tears.
The other night Jayden was pretending to read a newspaper and read out allowed "to jenny, I wish you didn't have to die. I love you in the best world. Love Jayden". He didn't know I was listening. I felt so sad for him. He misses our neighbour so much. I gave him a big hug and he went on to read the next page "I miss you Jayden and I love you in the best world. Love jenny". He knew she loved him so much and that is beautiful. Since she passed I had not shed a tear but tonight I did. To hear my little man missing her so much and knowing he has lost a person that loved him so very much in his life is really sad. We all miss her so much but especially Jayden. I know he doesn't understand why and he has struggled with not being able to see her anymore. Very sad.

He is currently calling out for me so I'm off but back soon.

...............

It's late. I'm about to attempt sleep. Jayden is still unwell with a cold/flu but he soldiers on. You would never know it most of the day as he copes so well. But at night it's awful. He is so stuffed up with mucus and wakes coughing, a lot during the night. I really hate it when he's unwell and it makes me worry even more than normal. Which may explain why I'm feeling so emotional and anxious a lot lately.

Today I found myself really overwhelmed with anxiety. Like I just needed to breathe. Be able to take time out, just stop for even just a moment. There's no doubt I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes.

It's much later now and everyone's asleep. All looking so peaceful in their beds. I've got get some sleep myself. Snuggle up to my little man. Love him so much. Love all my kids.

Making faces....







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