Thursday, 29 May 2014

Unwell little man

Jayden hasn't been well. He's had this persistent cough since before his MRI in April. I've been to the doctors with him twice but they aren't too concerned which always makes me nervous. Sadly, No longer do I place the opinion of doctors as highly as I once did.

Yesterday he went down hill fast and spiked a temperature late in the afternoon. He also had a massive nap which he never does so I knew he wasn't well and I was super concerned.

In true Jayden style though he coped fine and after some Panadol he was back to his usual self. Last night however he spiked a temp again, 39.8 after Panadol. He was so hot and I was really worried. Any time he is unwell at all I'm thinking the worst. Worrying like crazy hoping and praying he's going to be ok. So we both had a restless night sleep.

I have an appointment with the doctor again today and hopefully it's something simple and nothing to worry about. Although for me, not worrying is truly impossible.
He's been good this morning but definitely not entirely himself. Hate seeing him even the slightest bit out of sorts.

Just come back from the doctors. He has an ear infection. Got some antibiotics for it, Hope he will be feeling much better soon.

Now. :(

Yesterday morning, with big sister Layla.

Saturday, 24 May 2014

A catchup entry

I don't write in this blog as often as I use too. I use to write everyday so I didn't miss anything in Jayden's life and expressing my emotions in here tended to help a lot. But lately I've passed up writing to try and cope on my own and spend more time with my kids. Sometimes I would find myself writing instead of experiencing, and that, well, defeats the purpose.

So there's been many highs and lows, moments of sheer joy and moments of sadness and times where I would have liked to write it all down. Times where I needed to let it all out in this blog but chosen to try and sleep instead or push it to the back of my mind and carry on. There has been moments with Jayden that has set my anxiety racing. Like the time recently that he saw a black hole in our ceiling as we lay in the bed, that wasn't there. Or the other night when he went to bed and suddenly felt pain in his head. Panic sets in as it always does and I find my ability to focus on anything else is gone. Moments where I sat alone crying, worrying and moments where I've found myself so overwhelmed with anxiety I just want to hide.

Sadly, this has all become so normal to me that I don't deem it relevant to write anymore. Or I feel like I'm writing the same stuff over and over again. Which of course I would be as it doesn't change. There is no end to the worry and the fear, the anxiety and the sadness of it all but I'm learning to somehow live with it. I have too.

A few days ago I wrote this entry:

I laid in bed the other night watching my little man sleep as I so often do, and felt so grateful that I'm watching him and he's four. Four, a number this time last year I worried we would not get to. A number I worried I would not be celebrating with him. A number I had endless sleepless nights over.

I am so very grateful that we were able to celebrate his fourth birthday. That he was four. old enough to truly enjoy a birthday and be overwhelmed by the attention and the love around him. Overwhelmed by everyone singing happy birthday to him and able to blow out his candles on his cake. He told me later that that was the best part of his birthday, the cake bit. that everyone sang happy birthday to him. He loved that part the best. I will never forget the look on his face as they broke into song "happy birthday to you" a mixture of being overwhelmed, excited and pure happiness. It truly meant the world to me to see that look. The best feeling ever. Holding him in my arms as he snuggled in. He was slightly embarrassed from all the attention but also clearly proud and loving it. Beautiful moment.

I watched his sleeping face this night and hoped and prayed I will get to watch his sleeping face at five, six, seven and right into adulthood although I would assume by then it won't be me watching him sleep but instead a beautiful woman whom will be his girlfriend/wife. I pray for that . That he will one day experience the pure joy of parenting. I know he would make a fabulous dad and partner. He's so full of love and joy and kindness. He would be a wonderful father.

As I write these words down I start to cry, the emotions that go with these thoughts are raw. The very thought of Jayden not being able to experience these joys is truly heartbreaking. I hope and pray that he will but I'm so very fearful that he won't.
I try not to think that way and remain focused on today but as I've said so many times before, it is impossible not too.

I know I'm so very lucky to have my son with me, I'm aware of it everyday. Everyday, every second I'm grateful for and when he has another birthday like he has I am overwhelmed with gratitude.

The birthdays are now so much more than they ever were before. They mean so much more. They are milestones that at times feel impossible to reach and when he does it's huge. It brings up so many emotions. And the lead up to it and trying to organise the party so it's absolutely perfect is emotionally huge. All of it, loaded with emotions.

Our lives have changed so much and our sense of life it's self has changed enormously. We know now how important every second and moment is. And you look at yourself and And you realise how enormously lucky you are that you got to be a child, an adolescence, an adult and then the greatest gift of all, a parent. Many do not get to experience these things.

I try to find peace in all of this and no matter how hard I look I can't find it. All I've learnt is to live with it all. There is no other choice. I've learnt to get up every morning, enjoy my children and hope and pray that I get to wake up and enjoy them again tomorrow and everyday after that until they are old and grey.

I kiss my little mans face as he sleeps and feel so overwhelmingly grateful that I can. I hope with all my might I will be able to do that for a very, very long time to come.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Sunday, 18 May 2014

Happy 4th birthday Jayden

My little man turned. 4 today! I'm so very proud of him and so very grateful to be celebrating his 4th birthday.

He woke me at 5:30 this morning with his wriggling in bed and I was so excited for him that I couldn't go back to sleep but he continued too. So I watched him sleep. I watched my little man as he lay there sleeping and thought about how grateful I am that we are celebrating his 4 th birthday . That he is having a fourth birthday. I remembered back when I didn't think like that. When I could watch him and be so happy for him having a birthday not being concerned about the future and assuming he'd have one, taking that future and thought of it completely for granted, because in that moment I could. Back then I could. I didn't have to worry about tomorrow and whether or not he will have one. I will always wish I could think like that again.

I soon heard Luke stirring and Layla, all of us eager for Jayden to wake so we could give him his presents.
His eyes finally opened and gave me a big smile "it's my birthday today" he said. "It sure is, you are four today. Happy birthday" and I gave him the biggest cuddle.
Layla and Luke jumped on the bed as soon as they heard him speak and the opening of the presents began. He was so happy with all his gifts and so excited about the party that he knew he was going to be having. We all were. A big day for him and a huge milestone worth celebrating.

I was able to bake his cake this year thanks to and extraordinarily beautiful woman who helped us get an oven. I love her!
So I baked it!!!! Yah! And my wonderful friend made the car and Mater that sat on top with a little Jayden sitting in the car. She is so clever this friend of mine, she really should run her own business doing this. She also helped me ice it and decorate it. Together we made an awesome cake for an awesome little man! He loved it and I felt so good to be able to do it for him.

Jayden especially wanted a dress up party this year, and for everyone to be dressed up in fancy dress. And everyone did just that. They all arrived in costume and it was just truly awesome. He loved it. We loved it. It was a lot of fun.

Without a doubt the best possible birthday party I could possibly imagine for him. He was so happy. He had a truly wonderful time and I couldn't have asked for more.

I feel very blessed to have the wonderful family and friends that I do as they truly made Jayden's day so special. A very special day for my very special little man.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Tuesday, 13 May 2014


Jayden achieved a very significant milestone today, however the more I think about it the more I think it was mine also.

Last time I went and saw my psychologist he asked me if I had left Jayden on his own for any length of time at Kindy yet? Of course I had to say no except for the time I left him when Layla was there so that doesn't really count.
I know I have to leave at some point but I had gotten so comfortable staying all the time that I conveniently forgot. He reminded me that it wAs important for Jayden to learn that if mum leaves, it's ok, and I come back.

So today when we went to Kindy I knew I had to give it a try. I didn't want too. Not one bit. I spoke to the wonderful woman that runs it and told her what I needed to do and she immediately set up the scenario, she said to Jayden "Jayden, mums got to go out and get some morning tea, is that ok?" He looked at her from where he was sitting amongst the blocks he was playing with and said "ok", more conversation was exchanged but the general consensus was it was, "ok" by him. I must admit my heart sank a little and my anxiety ramped up. I walked out, my heart racing and tears welling in my eyes. I was so nervous about leaving him.

I got in my car and drive to the local shops and bought some morning tea then walked around for a little while. Felt completely lost. Wished the time would speed up. And tried to pretend everything was ok. Which it was but that's not what I was feeling, at all. I'm not sure how long I was gone but it was long enough for me to feel I needed to get back.

When I came back and walked in the door he was sitting on his mat designated for him, happily eating his morning tea. Not stressed. Not upset. Happy. I was so relieved. He was excited to see me so he could tell me all about his painting he had done while I was gone. I felt so emotional.

For the rest of the day I found it hard not to cry just at the sheer mention of him. Big bag of emotions constantly spilling.

I'm so proud of him though. My little man is getting older, having some freedom and he's ok when he does.

Love my little man.

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Mother Day 2014

I haven't written in hear for sometime. Since I last wrote there has been some highs and some lows. I'm Learning everyday to try better to cope with the lows and appreciate the highs.

Today is Mother's Day and I thought about what Mother's Day has meant for me over my life thus far:

As a child Mother's Day meant making mum something that only my mum would love and giving her hugs and hopefully attempting to make her day relaxing. With four children I'm not sure it ever was but we tried.

As a young adult it meant having money to buy her something lovely that she needs or wouldn't buy for herself , seeing her smile and spending time with her.

When my mum passed away Mother's Day took an entirely different turn and it became a day I dreaded and wished was removed from the calendar. I hated that everywhere I looked, tv advertisement, shop windows, newspapers and radio, Mother's Day was splattered, reminding me that I no longer had my mum. I first realized then, how Mother's Day isn't a day of celebration for everyone but instead a very sad day for many.

I then had my first child and when Mother's Day came around it became different again. I was now the mum and this was a day for me. A day to celebrate being a mum. I will always miss my mum but I could now celebrate being one.

now, today, Mother's Day has become a reminder of what we once had as a family, as a mother. I reminder that as a mother I now have an overwhelming fear that clouds my everyday of the future. The worry that I may not have my son with me on a Mother's Day and the knowing that so many don't. With this fear and worry also comes the knowledge that I should appreciate every moment I get. Every celebration needs to be embraced, held and appreciated for as long as it is. And so this Mother's Day I tried to focus on how lucky I am. How happy I am that all three of my kids are with me and hope and pray they always will be.

Mothers Day 2014

On Mother's Day I was woken by my beautiful kids and given an abundance of hand made cards and beautifully crafted items that I will cherish forever. Love my kids.

I had a cooked breakfast made by danny and Layla and ate it with Jayden on my lap eating his.

We later went out for lunch with Danny's mum, dad, brother his wife and kids and had a wonderful time. We all parted ways early afternoon then danny and I and the kids played over at the park near our home. Multiple games of hide and seek and simple fun, great way to end the day.

Here's some photos of our day together for this years 2014 Mother's Day:

Friday, 2 May 2014


My little man Loving life at the zoo today....

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