Saturday, 24 May 2014

A catchup entry

I don't write in this blog as often as I use too. I use to write everyday so I didn't miss anything in Jayden's life and expressing my emotions in here tended to help a lot. But lately I've passed up writing to try and cope on my own and spend more time with my kids. Sometimes I would find myself writing instead of experiencing, and that, well, defeats the purpose.

So there's been many highs and lows, moments of sheer joy and moments of sadness and times where I would have liked to write it all down. Times where I needed to let it all out in this blog but chosen to try and sleep instead or push it to the back of my mind and carry on. There has been moments with Jayden that has set my anxiety racing. Like the time recently that he saw a black hole in our ceiling as we lay in the bed, that wasn't there. Or the other night when he went to bed and suddenly felt pain in his head. Panic sets in as it always does and I find my ability to focus on anything else is gone. Moments where I sat alone crying, worrying and moments where I've found myself so overwhelmed with anxiety I just want to hide.

Sadly, this has all become so normal to me that I don't deem it relevant to write anymore. Or I feel like I'm writing the same stuff over and over again. Which of course I would be as it doesn't change. There is no end to the worry and the fear, the anxiety and the sadness of it all but I'm learning to somehow live with it. I have too.

A few days ago I wrote this entry:

I laid in bed the other night watching my little man sleep as I so often do, and felt so grateful that I'm watching him and he's four. Four, a number this time last year I worried we would not get to. A number I worried I would not be celebrating with him. A number I had endless sleepless nights over.

I am so very grateful that we were able to celebrate his fourth birthday. That he was four. old enough to truly enjoy a birthday and be overwhelmed by the attention and the love around him. Overwhelmed by everyone singing happy birthday to him and able to blow out his candles on his cake. He told me later that that was the best part of his birthday, the cake bit. that everyone sang happy birthday to him. He loved that part the best. I will never forget the look on his face as they broke into song "happy birthday to you" a mixture of being overwhelmed, excited and pure happiness. It truly meant the world to me to see that look. The best feeling ever. Holding him in my arms as he snuggled in. He was slightly embarrassed from all the attention but also clearly proud and loving it. Beautiful moment.

I watched his sleeping face this night and hoped and prayed I will get to watch his sleeping face at five, six, seven and right into adulthood although I would assume by then it won't be me watching him sleep but instead a beautiful woman whom will be his girlfriend/wife. I pray for that . That he will one day experience the pure joy of parenting. I know he would make a fabulous dad and partner. He's so full of love and joy and kindness. He would be a wonderful father.

As I write these words down I start to cry, the emotions that go with these thoughts are raw. The very thought of Jayden not being able to experience these joys is truly heartbreaking. I hope and pray that he will but I'm so very fearful that he won't.
I try not to think that way and remain focused on today but as I've said so many times before, it is impossible not too.

I know I'm so very lucky to have my son with me, I'm aware of it everyday. Everyday, every second I'm grateful for and when he has another birthday like he has I am overwhelmed with gratitude.

The birthdays are now so much more than they ever were before. They mean so much more. They are milestones that at times feel impossible to reach and when he does it's huge. It brings up so many emotions. And the lead up to it and trying to organise the party so it's absolutely perfect is emotionally huge. All of it, loaded with emotions.

Our lives have changed so much and our sense of life it's self has changed enormously. We know now how important every second and moment is. And you look at yourself and And you realise how enormously lucky you are that you got to be a child, an adolescence, an adult and then the greatest gift of all, a parent. Many do not get to experience these things.

I try to find peace in all of this and no matter how hard I look I can't find it. All I've learnt is to live with it all. There is no other choice. I've learnt to get up every morning, enjoy my children and hope and pray that I get to wake up and enjoy them again tomorrow and everyday after that until they are old and grey.

I kiss my little mans face as he sleeps and feel so overwhelmingly grateful that I can. I hope with all my might I will be able to do that for a very, very long time to come.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

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