Everyone's asleep and I'm still awake. I've had quite a number of restless nights which isn't unusual particularly when we are leading up to an MRI. So has Jayden.
Jayden isn't well with a cold and had a particularly awful day today. He also has this rash that appeared on his face not long ago and keeps flaring up. I'm pretty sure it's eczema. It's been bothering him a bit and today it was really red. Steroid cream seems to keep it under control but will talk to doctor this Tuesday as we have an appointment to see our GP. I'm concerned about Jayden's cold and the fluid in his ears. It all seems so damn trivial though compared to what he's been through and, I so wish it was all we had to worry about.
What's worrying me of course and what's completely got me on edge and super sensitive to all things Jayden, is his MRI this Thursday.
I mentioned before that Jayden had a particularly bad day today In That his balance was very off. He had at least five falls and completely out of character wet his pants at least four or five times.
I'm finding it hard to write this post let alone post it. As I write my fears down now they become even more real. By not writing or talking about them i feel like I'm either in denial or it's just that I try to hide them so far back these days just so I can cope. I feel them barreling back in when something happens like Jayden falling or wetting his pants like today, anything out of the ordinary. and the fear that comes with that is truly like nothing you could possibly imagine. The sheer feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach is sickening. I want it to go, but there is nothing I can do to stop it. I just so want for everything to be ok. Please make it be ok...
He woke the other morning at 4:30 and jumped out of bed screaming for me. He must have still been asleep as I was laying right next to him. I got up as quick as humanly possible and caught up to him, scooped him in my arms and reassured him everything is ok and that mummy is here. That She will always be here. He was sobbing. So scared. My heart ached. Big time. I laid him back into bed with me and stroked his head telling him over and over that everything is ok, mummy is here. It took him sometime before he calmed down and fell back to sleep. I laid awake next to him, with that deep feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. So scared for him. So very scared.
I hope with all my might and every inch of my being, that everything will be ok.....