Saturday, 5 July 2014

Brothers, MRI and dentist appointments

Jayden and his brother Luke grow closer everyday. The older Jayden gets the more the two play together and enjoy being in each other's company. I love hearing them together. Their laughter, their cheeky whispers and the love they have for each other is priceless.

I am so grateful they are both with me and are having this time together. I hope and pray they get a lifetime together and I worry like crazy for the future. Every laugh they share and smile brings me so much joy but sadness too. There will always be that flip side in my head, but I so wish it wasn't.

Jayden's MRI is next Thursday and as always, I'm worrying like mad. Watching him ever so closely, although, I always do. The slightest movement or look that seems unusual sends me into a spin and every time he coughs I pray it won't follow with a vomit. So worried about my little man.

Every night when I put him to bed and lay with him till he sleeps I pray and hope for a lifetime. He snuggles into me every night, sometimes with his head resting on me and I know to be so grateful that he's there. I watch him long after he's fallen asleep and wish, pray and hope that he will be ok. That he will be the 10%. I so hope with every inch of my being for that.

When he wakes in the morning it's always with a smile. He gives me a huge cuddle and asks if we can get up. I'm never annoyed by these early wakes as I know to be so very grateful to have them. He's always so happy to be up and ready to play straight away. I love his enthusiasm.

Jayden and his brother had a dentist appointment this week and they were both so very brave. Luke had a little work done that he struggled with and Jayden wasn't too keen to go next after watching Luke stress. We were able to convince Jayden to have his turn and for him to sit on the dentist chair. I sat next to him and held his hand. I told him everything was going to be ok. When the words came out of my mouth I instantly thought of all the times I said those words to him, holding his hand Whilst holding back my tears as I didn't know if it would be. This time I knew it was going to be ok and what a difference that feeling was. He saw it in my eyes, he knew he was going to be ok and I could confidently portray that. I then thought of all the times that I said it, and didn't know. The times where I was praying I was right but not knowing, and how he must have seen that doubt in my eyes. I felt so sad thinking of those times.

So many moments we go through, takes me back to those days. It's impossible not too. They are times that will stay in my memory forever, live forever in my nightmares and has shaped the person I am today. All my family.

For every normal thing i do like a checkup at the dentist with the boys just isn't normal for me. Because normal just doesn't exist anymore. As Jayden is being examined the fear of the future floods in. I worry that we may not see his baby teeth fall out and new ones come through. Any talk from the dentist about his teeth goes in one ear and out the other for that doesn't even come close to what I'm concerned about. I go through the motions of having him checked as I should, but it's the very least of my worries.

No matter what I'm doing my mind flicks back to that fear.

I've found however that I've got better at hiding the emotions that go with that. So that What I'm thinking and what you see are two very different things.
I'm managing to talk to people at my sons school now that I once couldn't do before. Blending back in, has been really challenging. Talking about stuff that bared no relevance on my overwhelming feelings of sheer sadness and fear of the future was impossible to do. Now I can do the chit chat. I still hurt and wish I really wAs the person I'm portraying. I wish I really did care about the weather, sports carnivals and cooking but there's only one thing I want in my life and that is for Jayden to be cured. For him to grow old with his siblings and me watch that. That's all I want.
I so hope and pray for that.

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