I had to take My beautiful dog Lucy to the emergency vet centre yesterday as she was bleeding from her behind and very uncomfortable. The vet told us after an ultrasound that they thought she had cancer and that it may be best to put her down. They did however have to run a few more tests. So I was left sitting in the veterinary consultation room on my own, after hearing this news, completely devastated. When emotions flow these days I seem to have an abundance of them. I feel so damn raw all the time. Like layers get peeled back when faced with something like this and my raw emotions exposed, all of them.
So I sat there with my head in my hands just balling. It's times like these that I Seriously feel like I have no ability whatsoever to cope anymore. The hardest part was sitting there alone in that room. Left alone to potentially make a huge decision and I just didn't want to make it.
Sometimes I feel like a child and wish that someone else was making the big decisions for me. That they knew the answers and I never had to second guess anything I decided. And these days I feel like I have nothing left. Like I used every last drop of emotional energy and all that is left now, is a raw pile of mush.
After ten or so minutes the vet reappeared and said the blood tests show that she may have eaten rat bait and they could do a plasma transfusion and she could make a full recover. But , they still think there may be something not good in her bladder area. I'm sure she explained it all much better and in medical terms but that's the general gist that I got. All I could hear was she may make a full recovery and my mood of course changed instantly. I had to leave her there overnight though but hoped the next day would be good news.
A morning call to the vet and they said she needs to stay for the day but I could pick her up and take her to our own vet so that she was closer, which I did. It was so nice to see her and put her in my car all snug in her bed. Was so worried about her . So I had to leave her again at the vets but this one she is familiar with and wasn't as stressed. She had to stay there for the day.
Later I had to get to an appointment with Jayden.
I took Jayden to a homeopath this afternoon. A lovely lady we met recently recommended him. We missed our first appointment because my mind was like mush and I forgot but today we made it.
So Jayden and I headed out at lunchtime for his 1 pm appointment. When we got there we entered a small waiting room that had a reception desk but with no one sitting at it. There were two doors to the side which were both closed and I could hear talking behind one which was a consultation taking place. So I sat down on one of the chairs in the waiting room and waited. Jayden swiftly found the toy box and busily went through it next to me.
We hadn't been sitting in there long when another lady walked in and also sat on one of the chairs. She was an elderly lady that I picked to be under 70 but later found out she was over 70. Kind face, kind and welcoming smile.
She spoke first after smiling at Jayden and said "what a lovely age that is" referring to Jayden . I agreed but told her I also thought all ages were lovely, she agreed . We went on to talk about how many kids we had etc. she then looked at me and said "you are so tired". "Yes" I said. "Emotionally tired -also" she said. "Yes" I replied. I briefly went on to tell her about What's happened and as I spoke she nodded with understanding. She then said "I know exactly how you feel love. My daughter was diagnosed with leukaemia at 14 and we travelled that journey for three years." I went to ask her if she was still with her but before I finished my sentence she bowed her head and slowly shook it to answer no. She then said. "And no matter how long time passes the feelings never change. It was her birthday the other day and it feels the same as it did all those years ago." I felt so sad for her. And my heart ached.
I have no doubt she will take that pain with her to her grave as does any mother walking her shoes and I felt the tears well up inside me.
She saw this and said " he must always be happy, and you must look after yourself".
Just at that moment the man we were there to see came out and told us to go in. I walked in with Jayden and felt like a big ball of emotions. I so wanted to sob. I didn't and when he came in we began talking about why we were there.
I really liked this man. I felt confident he was a good man and had Jayden's best interests at heart. He was patient and most importantly, Jayden liked him too.
We came home via the toy shop. With the MRI approaching I'm stressing to the point of craziness and I'm so worried Jayden could miss out and so another toy was bought today. Luckily Jayden doesn't get upset when I tell him he can't have the big truck he wants but a smaller toy is more in our price range. It doesn't bother him at all. No complaints just looks for something smaller. So we left with a toy sandwich maker instead! Loves his cooking. He was so chuffed but disappointingly it wasn't working when we got home so another visit to the toy shop tomorrow, which I'm pretty sure he will be happy with.
When we got home I rang the vet again and was able to bring Lucy home. When she came home she started looking ill again and has still got blood in her urine. I rang the vet again and there is real concerns about her bladder . He said if it is her bladder there isn't a lot he can do but with pain killers we will see how she is in the morning. It has been a huge expense one that we really can't afford and one that my husband and I were not in agreeance with but I sat down at the kitchen table remembering that moment in the vets where I had to make the decision on whether or not to go ahead with the expensive treatment or have her put down. And I thought, If given that time again I know I would not have done it differently. To have her home with the kids and be with us was worth every penny no matter how long it will be for.
Now I'm feeling very emotional. I feel so raw right now. Like I'm walking on that damn tightrope again.
And I love my dog dearly but all I can think about is Thursday and hope and prAy that everything is ok.
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