Wednesday, 27 August 2014

I can't sleep. It's late . The rest of the house is snoozing but not me. I'm tired but not tired enough to drift off to sleep. I was desperate to get to bed in the hope I could shut my mind down. I hoped that once my head hit the pillow I'd stop thinking and sleep and escape this awful feeling of anxiety.
But it didn't happen.

So I'm up, sitting in the kitchen hoping that if I write my thoughts down that they will leave my head and allow me to sleep.

No matter how hard I try to live a normal life, it's just not. It never will be. I will never 'fit' back into that life again because I don't fit. A square peg in a round hole. Feeling anxious. That awful feeling that can be so overwhelming and something that I feel I have so little control over.
I think I'm managing. I go through the motions of everyday life but simmering below the surface is my worries, hurt and pain.
Inside I'm so scared. I now know so many people traveling similar journeys and I'm so scared.
I don't want to be scared. I just want to be normal. I don't want to be petrified of my sons future. I want to know it's going to be ok. That hes going to be ok.

I'm tired. Anxious, scared.

Today I had to take one of Layla's guinea pigs, Scone, to the vets as she was very ill. We had thought she was  going to be ok but overnight she got worse and I had to take her to the vet and they told me it would be best if Scone were put to sleep. I held her in my arms and cried. Life is so precious and it was heart breaking to make the decision to take hers away.
I know my tears weren't just for this dear little guinea pig. But also tears I desperately needed to shed. You can only pretend for so long that everything is ok and then there has to come a time where the cracks appear and the emotions spill out. Tears welled for all that my son has been through, for everything he's faced and for his future.
I left the vets, came home to my little man and hugged him for as long as he would let me. I just love him so much. All my children.
He's so beautiful. He gave us such a scare the other night with his croup. And I hardly slept a wink worrying. The next day however he was as good as can be, as if nothing had happened. He's made of stronger stuff than me that is for sure. We took him to the doctors that day and got more steroids and for the rest of the week he's been fine. Beautiful little man.

I took the kids away on the weekend to a farmstay not far away from my dads. It was really lovely. Felt like I needed sometime away with them and enjoyed it thoroughly.  felt i needed to get away from the normal in the hope that i could find some normal, if that makes sense? We all slept in the one room, perfect. Love having them together. And besides a huge big huntsman spider living with us in the house we stayed in, it was perfect. The kids got to feed baby kangaroos that were being cared for by the owner of the farmstay and it was just beautiful. A really lovely experience for them.
Every time I see them experience something knew and special like that I'm so very grateful I was able to give that to them. And I hope, pray and wish for so many more experiences for them all. Years and years and years of them. For all of them.

It's later now. I need to sleep.hope it comes.

Here's some recent photos. Love my kids.

Jayden looking serious but still gorgeous.
 loves his sister
 Going for a stroll
 My beautiful kids
 Layla and Jayden

 Jayden and a joey
Layla in her element
The boys .... natural fathers.


Tuesday, 19 August 2014

Visit to emergency last night

Just when I thought we were doing ok, Jayden gives us a major scare. A big one. He woke in the middle of the night last night with a very scarey attack of croup. I had thought his previous episodes were bad but they were simply nothing compared to last night. He couldn't breathe or cry and the skin around his mouth was turning blue. I hadn't been scared like that for Jayden, for sometime. Although everyday I'm worried about the future.
He of course was petrified. We called health direct in the initial stages but when we told them his mouth is now looking blue they called an ambulance. I was so relieved when they arrived five minutes later.
The people that do that job truly are angels and know how to calm a very stressful situation down. I have to say I'm not the most calmest person in the world especially when it comes to my kids in danger. I like to think I'm looking like I am from the outside but internally I am in a tail spin however I'm not sure I'm pulling off the outside bit very well either. As soon as we got in the ambulance they put him on an adrenalin mask and he slowly began to calm. So relieved to see his little face looking more relaxed. By the time we got to hospital and the steroids we gave him earlier were kicking in he was even brighter. Awesome.
We had to stay while he was monitored and seen by a doctor and by midnight we were home again. Thank heavens.

All the while he was there he was asking to go home and stressing that we might have to stay and all I could think about was the visit to the hospital two years ago in the middle of the night that we weren't able to go home after. My kids at home that were awake during it all and watched us leave were also stressing that we wouldn't be coming home. They were so worried about Jayden and that Jayden and I wouldn't be coming home. It made me so sad. I'm so grateful that this was something that would pass and Jayden was going to recover from. So very grateful.

So today we are all quite tired from a late night but very grateful we are all together. Kids got off to school ok and Jayden is home with me. He was meant to go to Kindy today and is very disappointed he has to stay home. It's so nice that he loves it so much.

Ironically I wrote the following entry the day before Jayden had his croup episode, but never got around to posting it.........

I haven't written in here for so long now but my dad always said "no news is good news" so I guess in our case things are going as good as they can be given the circumstances.
I still stress everyday and worry like crazy. I still watch Jayden like a hawk for anything remotely out of the ordinary. I often send myself crazy looking at him so closely that I almost make myself see something that's not there. It's those times I have to internally tell myself to chill and look again without stressing so much. Extremely difficult.

I've discovered recently the physical effects of anxiety which at one point made me feel as if I was extremely ill and going crazy. Very scarey. Not near as scarey as where my mind can go but scarey all the same. When my doctor told me I was suffering with intense anxiety I was completely dumbfounded. Ridiculous really as I guess from the outside it would be obvious but at the time I was completely convinced I was extremely ill. Although anxiety is definitely nothing to sneeze about. It is an illness and it's no fun at all. As a result I've had to increase my medications and lately it's been manageable. Still no fun but manageable all the same and I know it's nothing compared to far worse scenarios so I'm not complaining.

Jayden is his usual happy self. We had a rough few months with ear infections and the possibility of grommets but thankfully after seeing an ENT he is on the mend and doesn't require any intervention. I have to say I was really struggling with the idea of any procedure what so ever happening to him. Every time we see anyone in the medical profession I feel myself stressing. I'm beginning to think I might have the "white coat syndrome" now and I've no doubt Jayden has too.

He's very happy at Kindy and looks forward to it every week. So nice to see him playing amongst other kids and so happy. He's very social. The other day we were at a park and two other boys joined us. Both Layla and Luke at Jayden's age would have moved away from the play equipment if other kids joined them as they were so very shy. But not Jayden. He joined in with the other boys. Was beautiful to watch but I couldn't help but feel nervous and didn't take my eyes of them. I'm so super protective of him to the point of craziness I think.

Jayden and his siblings grow closer everyday. His little personality continues to shine and he continues to make us all smile everyday and appreciate everyday.

Every morning that I wake and see his smiling face I feel so blessed to have him with me, to have all of my children. I know I will never take that for granted, ever.
 above: Jayden presenting me with the beautiful weeney flower he picked me at the park.
 Layla and Jayden playing
 Jayden eating a cupcake from the cupcake stall at the RSPCA cupcake fundraising day
 Jayden looking like a little man in deep thought
 The boys
 My beautiful and crazy children. love them to bits!

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