I can't sleep. It's late . The rest of the house is snoozing but not me. I'm tired but not tired enough to drift off to sleep. I was desperate to get to bed in the hope I could shut my mind down. I hoped that once my head hit the pillow I'd stop thinking and sleep and escape this awful feeling of anxiety.
But it didn't happen.
So I'm up, sitting in the kitchen hoping that if I write my thoughts down that they will leave my head and allow me to sleep.
No matter how hard I try to live a normal life, it's just not. It never will be. I will never 'fit' back into that life again because I don't fit. A square peg in a round hole. Feeling anxious. That awful feeling that can be so overwhelming and something that I feel I have so little control over.
I think I'm managing. I go through the motions of everyday life but simmering below the surface is my worries, hurt and pain.
Inside I'm so scared. I now know so many people traveling similar journeys and I'm so scared.
I don't want to be scared. I just want to be normal. I don't want to be petrified of my sons future. I want to know it's going to be ok. That hes going to be ok.
I'm tired. Anxious, scared.
Today I had to take one of Layla's guinea pigs, Scone, to the vets as she was very ill. We had thought she was going to be ok but overnight she got worse and I had to take her to the vet and they told me it would be best if Scone were put to sleep. I held her in my arms and cried. Life is so precious and it was heart breaking to make the decision to take hers away.
I know my tears weren't just for this dear little guinea pig. But also tears I desperately needed to shed. You can only pretend for so long that everything is ok and then there has to come a time where the cracks appear and the emotions spill out. Tears welled for all that my son has been through, for everything he's faced and for his future.
I left the vets, came home to my little man and hugged him for as long as he would let me. I just love him so much. All my children.
He's so beautiful. He gave us such a scare the other night with his croup. And I hardly slept a wink worrying. The next day however he was as good as can be, as if nothing had happened. He's made of stronger stuff than me that is for sure. We took him to the doctors that day and got more steroids and for the rest of the week he's been fine. Beautiful little man.
I took the kids away on the weekend to a farmstay not far away from my dads. It was really lovely. Felt like I needed sometime away with them and enjoyed it thoroughly. felt i needed to get away from the normal in the hope that i could find some normal, if that makes sense? We all slept in the one room, perfect. Love having them together. And besides a huge big huntsman spider living with us in the house we stayed in, it was perfect. The kids got to feed baby kangaroos that were being cared for by the owner of the farmstay and it was just beautiful. A really lovely experience for them.
Every time I see them experience something knew and special like that I'm so very grateful I was able to give that to them. And I hope, pray and wish for so many more experiences for them all. Years and years and years of them. For all of them.
It's later now. I need to sleep.hope it comes.
Here's some recent photos. Love my kids.
Jayden looking serious but still gorgeous.