As Jaydens next MRI approaches I have wanted to write, even more. Many sleepless nights where Ive needed to, but haven't. Scared that if I do in that moment I will open up the floodgates of the emotions I have tried so hard to contain and wind up curled up in the fetal position of my kitchen floor. I feel them in there and how much they hurt. The fears, the overwhelming sadness and Im so scared of going there. I know what that feels like, I know that overwhelming sadness, and I spend every waking hour trying to stop myself from going there.
But as the MRI date approaches there, there. Intense, overwhelmng. I feel like im on that tightrope again barely keeping it together, scared out of my wits. There is no denying I am petrified about Jaydens MRI. They don't get easier. Never.
And the stupid thing is that I think Im actually keeping it together and that no one around me could notice Im struggling. Not my daughter however, she sees right through me. Out of the blue she asked me the other day when Jaydens next MRI was. When I told her it was October the 16th she said " I hate it how they are always just after the school holidays". I replied, "I dont think they are alwasy after the school holidays", because I actually didnt think they were. she replied "yes they are because every school holidays you are really stressed about them".
She knows, she sees and she feels. She once told me the only time she really worries about everything is when the MRI is approaching because she knows I am worried.
I wish my kids didnt have to worry about this. I hate that they hurt and worry too.
Im not sure what to write now as Im feeling that floodgate open. my heart aches. Im so scared for my boy. For our family. I love him so much it hurts. Every little piece of him is perfect to me and Im just so scared.
Its late and everyone is asleep but me. I try to focus on something else in a failed attempt to wash my fear away but it doesn't go away. It never goes. I feel sometimes like Im holding on to a hope that's not real and my heart cry's inside.
I'm not going to write anymore but instead post some pictures of what my amazing little man and his siblings have been up to for the month that's just gone, September...
here they are ........
We had a Mexican party to raise money for Camp Quality and this is Layla, Jayden and Luke with their sombreros on..
Two crazy boys together
He was so brave and recovered quickly.
We have certainly learnt how much every second counts.
I know I appreciate each and every one, every memory and every moment and I hope and pray everyday that I get a lifetime of moments with my son, with all three of my children.