Thursday, 2 October 2014

Its been so long since I have written in this blog about Jayden and what he and our family have been up to. Its not from lack of trying, as many a night Ive started a post but not finished. But I think sometimes I feel if I dont write then I dont have to think about the reality of our life. Of course that's not possible and instead I lay awake thinking, worrying, and or cry myself to sleep. There's no winning answer or right way to travel this journey, that is for sure.

As Jaydens next MRI approaches I have wanted to write, even more. Many sleepless nights where Ive needed to, but haven't. Scared that if I do in that moment I will open up the floodgates of the emotions I have tried so hard to contain and wind up curled up in the fetal position of my kitchen floor. I feel them in there and how much they hurt. The fears, the overwhelming sadness and Im so scared of going there. I know what that feels like, I know that overwhelming sadness, and I spend every waking hour trying to stop myself from going there.

But as the MRI date approaches there, there. Intense, overwhelmng. I feel like im on that tightrope again barely keeping it together, scared out of my wits. There is no denying I am petrified about Jaydens  MRI. They don't get easier. Never.

And the stupid thing is that I think Im actually keeping it together and that no one around me could notice Im struggling. Not my daughter however, she sees right through me. Out of the blue she asked me the other day when Jaydens next MRI was. When I told her it was October the 16th she said " I hate it how they are always just after the school holidays". I replied, "I dont think they are alwasy after the school holidays", because I actually didnt think they were. she replied "yes they are because every school holidays you are really stressed about them".
She knows, she sees and she feels. She once told me the only time she really worries about everything is when the MRI is approaching because she knows I am worried.
I wish my kids didnt have to worry about this. I hate that they hurt and worry too.

Im not sure what to write now as Im feeling that floodgate open. my heart aches. Im so scared for my boy. For our family. I love him so much it hurts. Every little piece of him is perfect to me and Im just so scared.

Its late and everyone is asleep but me. I try to focus on something else in a failed attempt to wash my fear away but it doesn't go away. It never goes. I feel sometimes like Im holding on to a hope that's not real and my heart cry's inside.

I'm not going to write anymore but instead post some pictures of what my amazing little man and his siblings have been up to for the month that's just gone, September...

here they are ........

We had a Mexican party to raise money for Camp Quality and this is Layla, Jayden and Luke with their sombreros on..
Jayden at kindy, creating. Art is his favorite thing to do at kindy.

Two crazy boys together

 Jayden at the zoo with mum

 At an indoor playground with big brother Luke

 Off to the Perth Royal Show, which we all went to as a family and had a brilliant time. Jayden went on as many rides as he could and played the sideshow games. Everyone had a blast.

 Having fun at home in the clothes basket with big sister Layla
 Toy box
 Jayden had a nasty fall on his scooter (on dad duty)
He was so brave and recovered quickly.
 Both Luke and Jayden were invited to go to the Neumont Boddington mine thanks to Jess Hayes from Go Gold Australia and the wonderful crew at the mine. the boys truly had a blast. beautiful bunch of men and women who made jayden and luke feel very, very special. just love them for putting big smiles on my kids faces and creating beautiful memories for us.

In deep thought at the park

 And more......

When I look at these photos I smile. My little man sure knows how to embrace life and love it for all that its worth. every second.
We have certainly learnt how much every second counts.
I know I appreciate each and every one, every memory and every moment and I hope and pray everyday that I get a lifetime of moments with my son, with all three of my children.

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