Wednesday, 29 October 2014

MRI Final report

We went to Pmh today to see Dr Nick to hear the final report of Jayden's MRI.

It was just Jayden and I that went as Luke was unwell so danny stayed with him.

I hate going back there and I know it makes Jayden uncomfortable too. when we first arrived Jayden needed to go to the toilet so we made our way to the parent room. When we walked in there he looked around and said "I use to play in here". I so often worry about what he remembers and what he doesn't and it is often clear that he remembers so much more than I think, than I hope.

On our way out we ran into a beautiful woman I have spoken to over the phone but not yet met in person and she was with her beautiful boy.
It was so nice to see her and her little man. We sat and talked and it was lovely to be in her company. While we sat a nurse came out to see her son and put alma cream on his port. He was so upset by it all and tried so hard to stop it all from happening but lost in the end. That moment truly broke my heart. He knew what was happening and he knew what was going to happen and he knew it wasn't nice. I was so sad for her little man and so sorry that they both have to go through this awful nightmare. he shouldn't have to go through this. He should be doing normal little boy things. It bought back so many sad memories for me of a time with Jayden. An overwhelming feeling of hurt came over me and I felt the tears well up in my eyes. This woman is such a beautiful person and her son so precious. It makes no sense.

I looked at my little man as he sat playing on my phone near me and I just love him so much. I don't know how we lived through all of those times and I don't know where I found the strength from to do that. Because just the mere thought of it now brings me to tears.

Her little boy was then called in by the nurse and they left. Beautiful little boy and mum.

Jayden and I continued to wait until it was our turn, amongst other beautiful families and their kids. So many new faces .
One lady in particular stood out to me as I recognised the pain in her face. I knew that pain. I remember that feeling, that hurt and that fear . And although it's still in me, there was a time where it was so consuming and overwhelming that the tears were endless and there was no way to hide it . That was the face of this woman. I so wanted to go and give her a hug. I wanted so badly to be able to tell her everything is going to be ok, for I know those are the words I so desperately want to hear myself. But just as no one can say them to me I couldn't same them to her . But I wish I could. I so wish I could have wiped her tears away and made everything better. I really wanted to talk to her, and say something, anything, that would give her some comfort but I didn't know what. I didn't know if she would want to talk to anyone. For I know what she really wanted wasn't something I could give her. But I wish I could . In that moment, nick called us up.
I wished I had of said something to her . Anything. Rather than nothing.

We went to nicks office and he told us everything was ok and that Jayden's 3 monthly MRIs will now go to four monthly. Nervous about that. So his next MRI won't be until February.

Jayden was great with nick . When Nick did his examination he was cooperative and calm. We left shortly after and came home.

It's late now and I'm so very tired. Everyone's tucked in bed and so should I be.

I am so relieved and so very grateful that Jayden's MRI is all good. Hoping and praying they continue to be.

Jayden after playing with his big sister!

Jayden ready for Halloween!

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