Wednesday, 15 October 2014

MRI tomorrow

Jayden's MRI is tomorrow. Trying hard not to think about it but completely failing at that. Feel so damn anxious, scared and my head is spinning.
Couldn't sleep last night and have woken so tired. Awful recipe for a teary day.
Kids are all back to school today and I hate that. Wish I could keep them home.
Will take them all tomorrow with us, as it really makes a difference to all of us, especially Jayden, when we are all together.

It's early in the morning and I'm laying next to my little man sleeping. He woke earlier and told me he loved me then went back to sleep. He often stirs from a sleep, wakes, tells me he loves me then goes back to sleep. Or wakes and says "cuddle mum", so I snuggle up to him and he falls back to sleep. I love him so very much. It hurts to think about how much I love him and how scared I am.
Just the mere thought of my fears and tears run down my face. This journey is so hard, no words can truly describe the hurt, the fear.

These last couple of weeks have been especially hard and I feel like I've been walking on eggshells trying not to break apart. There has been times I've wanted to scream and times I've wanted to cry until there are no tears.

Jayden has been great and so have the other two. The school holidays have been wonderful and we have had so much fun together.
But In the back of my mind I have been stressing. the smiles on my kids faces have been getting me through. But inside I am truly struggling.

I know I'm not the same person I once was. How could I be? The innocence of not knowing about the world we are now in, has gone and now I am fully aware that really bad shit DOES happen. What I've become is a super nervous and sensitive mum about anything and everything that involves my kids.

When I look at my son I soak him up. I watch his every moment and worry that one day I may not have that privilege. I wish I could look at him and not have the feeling of fear inside me.

It's much later in the evening now and the cracks that have been surfacing for the past few weeks finally gave way to me tonight. It started at dinner when we told the kids what was happening tomorrow. Layla already knew but Luke and Jayden needed reminding. When Jayden realised what was going to happen he began to cry and asking to not have to go. all of the feelings and emotions for all the times we put him through so much awful stuff were suddenly dished up and slapped in our faces. My heart ached for him so much and it took every inch of my strength not to break down and cry with him. I comforted him, we all tried to cheer him up by putting our positive spins on the day ahead and lots of cuddles and tickles later he was back laughing again.

Afterwards we asked Luke to play with Jayden so we could clean up and Jayden was desperately wanting to spend time with his brother, whom he adores. but Luke decided tonight of all nights he would refuse and I just didn't cope. It was terrible timing. A mother tired, stressed out of her mind and scared beyond words, not a good recipe for a parent of the year award. I blew up, he cried, I felt awful and it was just a mess. Trying to keep it together when keeping it together is virtually impossible. My poor 8 year old copped it. We later talked about it and hugged but it didn't stop me feeling like crap for getting upset.

Afterwards I walked back into the kitchen to danny and balled. I cried for our life back. I cried for my son, my family and cried about tomorrow. I'm so scared.
Not a day goes by that I don't wish this never happened and we could go back to being a normal family. That we could go back to taking everyday for granted and not worry or fear for the future but just enjoy today. What I wouldn't do for that.

I just want it to all stop. For someone to tell me Jayden is cured and everything is going to be ok. I want so bad, for someone to tell me "everything is going to be ok".

Tonight as I put my little man to bed he asked me again "please can I not go to hospital tomorrow mummy. I don't want to go". With sheer sadness and worry in his eyes I explained to him that we had to, but that everything was going to be ok. That mummy was going to be there with him all the time. That he was going to be ok. He cuddled me and I knew he still didn't want to go but he fell asleep knowing I was going to be there and that everything was going to be ok. I so hope for that.

It breaks my heart, to see him so worried and I try with all my might to hide my fears from him.

He's asleep now. My tears flow. There is nothing easy about this journey.

Hoping and praying with every inch of my being, that everything will be ok tomorrow. I hope and pray for that.

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