Monday, 24 November 2014

Last few weeks

Haven't written in a while. Felt desperate to write after my road rage incident the other day and the heavy heart I've been feeling for my cousin. Lately He's been doing ok. When I saw him today he was in good spirits which was wonderful. Always puts a smile on my face when I see him. Lovely lovely man. It hurts to see him so unwell. Such a truly beautiful human being. So damn unfair.

the road rage incident set the scene for that week. it wasn't just about that incident but more about that incident allowing me to let out a whole lot of emotion that I'm forever burrowing within myself to get through each day. It set the scene for a week that allowed a lot of tears to flow.

This week has been better. We had a lovely weekend and are all looking forward to the school holidays and Christmas. Especially Jayden. He hasn't stopped talking about Christmas and Santa Claus. He's let me know how keen he is to start decorating today and as much as id like to wait till December I think I'm going to have to start now.

He's growing into a cheeky little man that has us all laughing often and forever keeps us smiling. He's also a rascal and a normal four year old where I have had to growl at him which has been very difficult. When I do he always says "I'm sorry mum, I love you " and that just adds to the enormous guilt I have for growling at him. He then asks for a cuddle and I squeeze him in my arms and never want to let him go.

I just love him so much and my other two. Every night I go to bed I watch him sleeping and thank god he is with me. I am forever grateful for each day, each hour, minute, second I have with him, with them all and I hope with every inch of my sole I get so many more minutes, hours, days and years, a lifetime.

Jayden hasn't been very well the last couple of nights though and hasn't been sleeping well. I can't help but worry and even though it seems like he just has a cough the panic inside of me is always there. Every cough he does I hear my inner voice praying "please don't vomit please don't vomit ". I'm Always terrified.

He woke up good but has been a little whingey and out of sorts throughout the day. He's otherwise been ok. I'm still worried though. I still panic. I always will. every time I see him even slightly lose his balance, look at me funny, anything that seems out of sorts scares me. I know that's just how it is and I'm trying hard to focus just on today, as hard as that can be.

We all had a truly awesome time in dongara with the camp quality family camp. Truly was the best holiday I think I have ever been on and solely because my kids were so very happy. Honestly, that is truly the best feeling in the entire world..... My kids happy. Awesome, awesome feeling.

I'm sitting in a waiting room at the moment and it's the first opportunity I've had in a long time to write in here and although so much has happened I can't think of anything more to add right at this moment.

So I'm going to end this blog entry with some photos instead of my little man.

Love my little man.

Monday, 17 November 2014

Road rage

It only takes an incident. Can be so small or it can be big and I find myself full of emotions.
On my way in to see my cousin who is in palliative care with a brain tumour I was harassed by a stranger with road rage. I had accidentally pulled in front of his car as I wasn't aware his lane could turn as well and he went mad beeping his horn at me. He continued to pursue me and when I had to stop behind a bus he got out of his car and banged on my window with his fist screaming obscenities at me. He was a huge man and he scared the living day lights out of me. I drove ofF the highway to get away from him and when I finally arrived to visit my cousin I was an emotional wreck. Keeping it together as much as possible I bought a coffee at the cafe at the hospital and took it to him.

He is such a Beautiful man my cousin. Truly he is and to see him deteriorating from this hideous disease is truly gut wrenching. He finds it difficult to speak which is incredibly frustrating for him but with time and patience we get a conversation happening.
I told him about the incident, he shook his head with disgust.

We talked about other stuff and I told him about the weekend we had away just gone, with camp quality in Dongara. I told him how much fun Jayden had and he said" it must have bought a tear to your eye ". That was all he had to say and that was it, I was balling. All the emotions came spilling out and I found myself sobbing like a child. The cry you have when you find it hard to breathe between sobs. I felt so bad for doing that in front of him when he has his own shit to deal with and he squeezed my hand with his and said "I need to hear you and be here for you too". That is the kind of man he is. Always thinking of others and he gets me. I'm so pissed that he is where he is at. He's one of the few people I know in my family who really gets this and I'm going to lose him. I know I'm being selfish but it's just not bloody fair. None of this is.
And when I see him I'm so happy to be in his presence but so bloody sad too.

He gets where I'm at. He gets all of it.

I've left now and sitting in a carpark writing in this blog. I'm so full of emotions today and the fear and anxiety are having a field day in my head.
So hard.

I took the kids away to Dongara on a camp quality holiday and it was truly the best weekend I have ever been on but would have been better if danny was there but he had to work. What made it great were the kids were so happy. Truly makes my day so special to see them smile.

I came back so rested and to have this eruption of emotions today has really thrown me.
There truly is no easy way to travel this journey.

I'm going to finish this entry and go do some Christmas shopping for my kids. Here's some photos of the weekend.

Love my kids.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Saturday, 1 November 2014

Jayden's make a wish

Jayden received his "Make a wish" wish today! He asked for a red cubby house!
It was delivered flat packed on Thursday and he's been counting down the days to have it up.

This morning to Jayden's delight 8 workmen from Hire a Hubby turned out to put it all together.

Every ten minutes he was checking to see if it were up and finally by late afternoon it was complete.

Awesome bunch of men that we truly appreciated for taking time out of their day to put a smile on our sons face . Love them all.
Next the painters arrived from QBE and partners to paint it red as Jayden had wished for.

Awesome bunch of people also.

We are so very appreciate of all their time and effort.

Bunnings also gave Jayden a huge stuffed toy dog which he absolutely adored

It was a great day for Jayden and the kids.
Thankyou to all that participated we are so very grateful.

And before I finish this post here is a pick of us before we headed out trick or treating.

And Jayden before bed.

Looking forward to seeing him playing in his new cubby tomorrow.

Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone