Monday, 24 November 2014

Last few weeks

Haven't written in a while. Felt desperate to write after my road rage incident the other day and the heavy heart I've been feeling for my cousin. Lately He's been doing ok. When I saw him today he was in good spirits which was wonderful. Always puts a smile on my face when I see him. Lovely lovely man. It hurts to see him so unwell. Such a truly beautiful human being. So damn unfair.

the road rage incident set the scene for that week. it wasn't just about that incident but more about that incident allowing me to let out a whole lot of emotion that I'm forever burrowing within myself to get through each day. It set the scene for a week that allowed a lot of tears to flow.

This week has been better. We had a lovely weekend and are all looking forward to the school holidays and Christmas. Especially Jayden. He hasn't stopped talking about Christmas and Santa Claus. He's let me know how keen he is to start decorating today and as much as id like to wait till December I think I'm going to have to start now.

He's growing into a cheeky little man that has us all laughing often and forever keeps us smiling. He's also a rascal and a normal four year old where I have had to growl at him which has been very difficult. When I do he always says "I'm sorry mum, I love you " and that just adds to the enormous guilt I have for growling at him. He then asks for a cuddle and I squeeze him in my arms and never want to let him go.

I just love him so much and my other two. Every night I go to bed I watch him sleeping and thank god he is with me. I am forever grateful for each day, each hour, minute, second I have with him, with them all and I hope with every inch of my sole I get so many more minutes, hours, days and years, a lifetime.

Jayden hasn't been very well the last couple of nights though and hasn't been sleeping well. I can't help but worry and even though it seems like he just has a cough the panic inside of me is always there. Every cough he does I hear my inner voice praying "please don't vomit please don't vomit ". I'm Always terrified.

He woke up good but has been a little whingey and out of sorts throughout the day. He's otherwise been ok. I'm still worried though. I still panic. I always will. every time I see him even slightly lose his balance, look at me funny, anything that seems out of sorts scares me. I know that's just how it is and I'm trying hard to focus just on today, as hard as that can be.

We all had a truly awesome time in dongara with the camp quality family camp. Truly was the best holiday I think I have ever been on and solely because my kids were so very happy. Honestly, that is truly the best feeling in the entire world..... My kids happy. Awesome, awesome feeling.

I'm sitting in a waiting room at the moment and it's the first opportunity I've had in a long time to write in here and although so much has happened I can't think of anything more to add right at this moment.

So I'm going to end this blog entry with some photos instead of my little man.

Love my little man.

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