Tuesday, 20 January 2015

I got the phone call today about Jaydens MRI fasting times for his MRI this Thursday. It's an unscheduled one. I haven't blogged about it because I haven't been able to bring myself too. I've been trying to get my head around it all or should I say, trying not too. Trying to pretend it's not happening and if I don't talk about it maybe it will all be ok. Just go about my business and all the bad thoughts and scarey scenarios will disappear. Of course it's not that easy to pretend it's all fine and my levels of anxiety are at an all time high.

Just over a week ago Jayden woke in the morning and shortly after breakfast he vomited. I wouldn't worry if it was one of my other children but when it's Jayden it's sends my head into a tail spin. Vomiting in the morning was one of the things Jayden did when this all started.
I am terrified. Truly terrified.

The nurse on the phone told me he's on the list for 11:00am. She told me the fasting times and when to come in. When I put the phone down I felt numb. So scared that I couldn't feel. Now it's the evening and as exhausted as I am I can't sleep.

I lay in bed watching my little man sleep. So peaceful. His "soggy" doggy tucked under his arm and his little face so innocent. I just love him so very much, as I do all my kids. They are truly so precious.
My heart aches. I'm So scared.

Hoping and praying with all my might that everything is going to be ok. I so hope and pray for that. Please, please, please, make it all ok.

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Monday, 5 January 2015

Sleepless nights

Can't sleep. My mind is definitely my worst enemy. Constantly thinking. So tired.
Have had a very up and down couple of weeks. More downs than ups and I know it's because of Jayden's MRI. Normally it would be this month but now that we have gone to four monthly scans, it's not until February. But in the meantime I'm beside myself with worry and a big bursting bag of emotions.

It's not that I stop worrying in between and suddenly stress to the max when MRI month comes along it's just harder to keep it all at bay . Dad said to me today that I'm very good at covering it all up. And I am. I have to be . In order to be a good mum, partner and friend I have to keep it together. But it's these times that the cracks appear the most and I find myself losing my mind. Crying in the car on my own. Feeling extremely emotionally vulnerable a lot of the time. The slightest mention of everything and I'm trying my damnedest to keep the tears at bay.
I so need to sleep. That's not helping. Tired and stressed not a good combination.

Finding myself emailing oncologists overseas looking for some sort of reassurance, that I sadly know no one can give. But hoping and praying they will.
Not receiving any replies.

Jayden is happy. He has been his wonderful self. Awesome little man. Love him so much.
Watching him sleep. He's so perfect. Everything about him is so perfect.
I don't understand how this all began. I never will. It's so damn hard.
Love my little man so very much.

More than anything, I want to be able see this beautiful smile for a lifetime.

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