Monday, 5 January 2015

Sleepless nights

Can't sleep. My mind is definitely my worst enemy. Constantly thinking. So tired.
Have had a very up and down couple of weeks. More downs than ups and I know it's because of Jayden's MRI. Normally it would be this month but now that we have gone to four monthly scans, it's not until February. But in the meantime I'm beside myself with worry and a big bursting bag of emotions.

It's not that I stop worrying in between and suddenly stress to the max when MRI month comes along it's just harder to keep it all at bay . Dad said to me today that I'm very good at covering it all up. And I am. I have to be . In order to be a good mum, partner and friend I have to keep it together. But it's these times that the cracks appear the most and I find myself losing my mind. Crying in the car on my own. Feeling extremely emotionally vulnerable a lot of the time. The slightest mention of everything and I'm trying my damnedest to keep the tears at bay.
I so need to sleep. That's not helping. Tired and stressed not a good combination.

Finding myself emailing oncologists overseas looking for some sort of reassurance, that I sadly know no one can give. But hoping and praying they will.
Not receiving any replies.

Jayden is happy. He has been his wonderful self. Awesome little man. Love him so much.
Watching him sleep. He's so perfect. Everything about him is so perfect.
I don't understand how this all began. I never will. It's so damn hard.
Love my little man so very much.

More than anything, I want to be able see this beautiful smile for a lifetime.

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