I haven't written in this blog regularly for so long. I don't really know how I ever found the time before to write in it everyday. But I know it meant a lot to me to do that everyday, a means of managing.
Jayden has been good. His first day at kindy was great, the second, not so great so I picked him up early and same for the third. He hasn't been since as isn't due to go again until tomorrow.
He was very tired last week from his kindy days and I know it will take some getting use to for both of us. I really notice his absence from home when he's there and look forward to seeing his little smiling face when I pick him up.
We haven't been doing a lot lately which has been nice. Just hanging out at home.
Only got a few moments yesterday to write what little I did and the same will be for today.
Jayden wasn't as happy as last week to go to kindy today however he went and there were no tears. He did ask if I pick him up early and of course I did. Really missed him. Feeling exceptionally vulnerable today and really needed his little smiling face around.
Today my cousin Was laid to rest. Very sad. Beautiful man.
I thought I was doing ok but last night when I went to bed, in the silence of my home i crumbled. The passing of my cousin is yet another reminder of how fragile life is and losing someone so special is hard. I'm not his sister, nor his parent, or his wife or child so my grief is different. I feel very sad for those that were. For me it's a loss that not only breaks my heart but frightens me beyond words for my son.
When I went to bed last night I watched Jayden as he slept. Hugged him gently and kissed him on his head. I felt so helpless. Wishing I could make it a certain that he would be ok but knowing that it's out of my hands. Knowing all I have his hope. Hope that he will be ok. I so hope for that.
I Woke this morning feeling vulnerable. Jayden didn't want to go to kindy and I didn't send him. I couldn't. I feel so torn. A big part of me just wants to wrap him in my arms and never let him go but I know I should encourage him and help him to make these big steps to kindy. Finding it very hard today. after my cousins funeral I'm left feeling numb and scared. Scared of the future. Some days I'm able to shut the thoughts out but today just isn't one of those days.
Instead of kindy, Jayden and I spent the day together. Playing lego, watching playschool on TV and Jayden helped me with the chores around the house. It was just what I needed and I think he knew that. I Love my little man so much. I love All of my kids, so much.
Tuesday, 3 February 2015
Today was Jayden's first day at kindy. A day I once never thought we would see. Yes it was fraught with emotions, but emotions that I was able to keep at bay because Jayden was ready. He was ready to go to school, ready to be with his peers and ready to be away from mum. I was so proud of him.
When we entered the kindy gates I anticipated him getting a little nervous, however after hanging up his bag he went into the classroom with me and eagerly picked some blocks out to play with. I found myself a bundle of nerves but kept that all in for him and when the bell went for the parents to go he sat on the mat with the other children and I kissed him goodbye.
I left feeling nervous but not an emotional wreck. I believe my nerves were what most women experience during this time and that the process today went off as normal as it could be. Which made me think about whats the "right thing to do" when it comes to your kids. For Jayden and I the right thing was to hold him back last year and to find a three year old kindy that would support us in the process of us both being able to let go. "Happy Campers" in Mosman Park was that kindy. It nurtured our relationship and helped the letting go process run as smoothly as possible and contributed immensely to getting Jayden and I to where we are today. I can not recommend them enough. The wonderful lady Danielle that runs it is one of the most amazing people I have ever met and i love her dearly for everything she and her beautiful workers have done for Jayden.
So for Jayden, starting a year later at kindy made so much sense and today was proof of that. Seeing him today comparing that to a year ago is huge. The time was right today for him and me but it wasn't this time last year. Yet according to the educators that's when he should have gone. Given everything we have gone through and as a parent if I was to give other parents advice it would be this " always go with your gut, when it comes to your child. no one else knows them better than you as their parents. And don't let anyone, no matter who they are, tell you any different. When it comes to your child's development it is not a race. Never is it and it shouldn't be."
Im so glad we made the decisions we did with Jayden and I'm so extremely grateful that we are seeing this day. I hope so much, that we will see so many, many more days of him growing and developing in his own time, into the beautiful little boy, then bigger boy, then awesomely wonderful man, that I know he will become.
Monday, 2 February 2015
Jayden starts kindy on Wednesday and I have to say I'm very anxious about it. Jayden however is super excited and has been counting down the sleeps for the last few days. I'm trying to get my head around it and keep my anxiety at bay, jayden being happy about it has helped. And in some ways I think I'm keeping myself numb ready for the emotional wave after I drop him off. he's so happy about it. I really hope he has a wonderful time. So worried that he might not.
For pure selfish reasons I would love to keep him home but I know this is what's best for him and what he wants. I'm so proud of him for getting to this place. For having the strength. And I'm so very grateful.
he has made it very clear that he wants to be doing what his brother and sister are doing. He wants to grow up and be like them, to do what they do and experience everything they experience. I so wish I could guarantee that for him. I wish I could know he would follow in their footsteps and go through primary school then high school, meets girls, get married, havechildren and grow old. I hope and pray for that everyday. For all of my kids.
I know there's no certainty in life for any of us and I get that. But I wish I could make people understand that it's different when you've had a child who's had cancer. In fact I'm sure anyone who's experienced that or similar knows that the feelings of the uncertainty of life is different. I spoke with a lovely lady the other day whom recently lost her mother. She said to me " we all have uncertainty in our lives. We don't know what tomorrow brings but "known uncertainty is I'm sure, totally different and I feel for you". She nailed it in one sentence. Known uncertainty is different. My other two children or myself or my husband could get hit by a bus tomorrow or struck by lightning or some other tragic event but it doesn't keep me awake at night. I don't freak out everytime a bus drives by or constantly study the bus timetable so as to avoid one. . I don't lock myself in doors until there's absolutely no sign of a storm when it's comes and then pass in fear that lightning will strike me. Or avoid swimming at the beach for fear of been eaten by a large fish. And none of that keeps me awake at night.
I don't do any of that and I seriously doubt than anyone else does. Know uncertainty is not the same as uncertainty, nothing like it. It is instead a fear that is with you always. I lay awake at night worrying about the uncertainty in Jaydens future. I try to keep those thoughts at bay but they are always there. I wish it were different. I do. I always will.
It hurts the most when he talks with his brother and sister about when he grows old. I listen and hope and pray that he does and the fear creeps in and I find myself holding back tears.
My beautiful little man will have his first day of kindy on Wednesday and I'm so grateful for that and so very proud of him. I love him so very much, all my kids and I hope and pray I will see them all experience many, many more firsts. A lifetime of them.
I Really hope and pray for that.