Monday, 2 February 2015


Jayden starts kindy on Wednesday and I have to say I'm very anxious about it. Jayden however is super excited and has been counting down the sleeps for the last few days. I'm trying to get my head around it and keep my anxiety at bay, jayden being happy about it has helped. And in some ways I think I'm keeping myself numb ready for the emotional wave after I drop him off. he's so happy about it. I really hope he has a wonderful time. So worried that he might not.

For pure selfish reasons I would love to keep him home but I know this is what's best for him and what he wants. I'm so proud of him for getting to this place. For having the strength. And I'm so very grateful.

he has made it very clear that he wants to be doing what his brother and sister are doing. He wants to grow up and be like them, to do what they do and experience everything they experience. I so wish I could guarantee that for him. I wish I could know he would follow in their footsteps and go through primary school then high school, meets girls, get married, havechildren and grow old. I hope and pray for that everyday. For all of my kids.

I know there's no certainty in life for any of us and I get that. But I wish I could make people understand that it's different when you've had a child who's had cancer. In fact I'm sure anyone who's experienced that or similar knows that the feelings of the uncertainty of life is different. I spoke with a lovely lady the other day whom recently lost her mother. She said to me " we all have uncertainty in our lives. We don't know what tomorrow brings but "known uncertainty is I'm sure, totally different and I feel for you". She nailed it in one sentence. Known uncertainty is different. My other two children or myself or my husband could get hit by a bus tomorrow or struck by lightning or some other tragic event but it doesn't keep me awake at night. I don't freak out everytime a bus drives by or constantly study the bus timetable so as to avoid one. . I don't lock myself in doors until there's absolutely no sign of a storm when it's comes and then pass in fear that lightning will strike me. Or avoid swimming at the beach for fear of been eaten by a large fish. And none of that keeps me awake at night.

I don't do any of that and I seriously doubt than anyone else does. Know uncertainty is not the same as uncertainty, nothing like it. It is instead a fear that is with you always. I lay awake at night worrying about the uncertainty in Jaydens future. I try to keep those thoughts at bay but they are always there. I wish it were different. I do. I always will.

It hurts the most when he talks with his brother and sister about when he grows old. I listen and hope and pray that he does and the fear creeps in and I find myself holding back tears.

My beautiful little man will have his first day of kindy on Wednesday and I'm so grateful for that and so very proud of him. I love him so very much, all my kids and I hope and pray I will see them all experience many, many more firsts. A lifetime of them.
I Really hope and pray for that.

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