I haven't written in this blog regularly for so long. I don't really know how I ever found the time before to write in it everyday. But I know it meant a lot to me to do that everyday, a means of managing.
Jayden has been good. His first day at kindy was great, the second, not so great so I picked him up early and same for the third. He hasn't been since as isn't due to go again until tomorrow.
He was very tired last week from his kindy days and I know it will take some getting use to for both of us. I really notice his absence from home when he's there and look forward to seeing his little smiling face when I pick him up.
We haven't been doing a lot lately which has been nice. Just hanging out at home.
Only got a few moments yesterday to write what little I did and the same will be for today.
Jayden wasn't as happy as last week to go to kindy today however he went and there were no tears. He did ask if I pick him up early and of course I did. Really missed him. Feeling exceptionally vulnerable today and really needed his little smiling face around.
Today my cousin Was laid to rest. Very sad. Beautiful man.
I thought I was doing ok but last night when I went to bed, in the silence of my home i crumbled. The passing of my cousin is yet another reminder of how fragile life is and losing someone so special is hard. I'm not his sister, nor his parent, or his wife or child so my grief is different. I feel very sad for those that were. For me it's a loss that not only breaks my heart but frightens me beyond words for my son.
When I went to bed last night I watched Jayden as he slept. Hugged him gently and kissed him on his head. I felt so helpless. Wishing I could make it a certain that he would be ok but knowing that it's out of my hands. Knowing all I have his hope. Hope that he will be ok. I so hope for that.
I Woke this morning feeling vulnerable. Jayden didn't want to go to kindy and I didn't send him. I couldn't. I feel so torn. A big part of me just wants to wrap him in my arms and never let him go but I know I should encourage him and help him to make these big steps to kindy. Finding it very hard today. after my cousins funeral I'm left feeling numb and scared. Scared of the future. Some days I'm able to shut the thoughts out but today just isn't one of those days.
Instead of kindy, Jayden and I spent the day together. Playing lego, watching playschool on TV and Jayden helped me with the chores around the house. It was just what I needed and I think he knew that. I Love my little man so much. I love All of my kids, so much.