Thursday, 16 April 2015

It's Thursday evening and Jaydens asleep. He hasn't been well. Wednesday morning was the first sign things weren't right as I wrote in my last blog, but by lunchtime he seemed to turn a corner and all was well so he went with danny and the kids to see family.

But when they came home and danny was carrying him in his arms, asleep, I began To panic. A million unanswered questions rushing through my head....Why had he fallen asleep? What was wrong? He never falls asleep in the car anymore. What was making him so tired? I'm never thinking of simple answers to these questions like maybe he's just under the weather or just plain tired. No, I'm always thinking the most scariest scenario and It terrifies me.

We laid him on the couch and I sat with him watching him. He was awake by now but looking really pale. "My eyes hurt" he says. The panic begins to erupt inside me. I stroke his head," it's going to be ok, I love you". "I love you too" he's says. "My leg hurts mummy", more panic. I ask him if anything else does and he tells me everything hurts. All the while I'm trying to convince myself it's nothing major and when he tells me his whole body hurts I'm hoping it's just the flu. I also feel that he's warm and check his temperature, which thankfully turns out to be high. I catch myself in these thoughts and can't beleive how now I actually hope that my child has just a flu, because what I fear is far, far worse than the flu.

He didn't leave the couch until it was bedtime and we sat with him and had dinner with him in the lounge room. He didn't eat much but had a little bit of salad.

The next day which is today he seemed ok in the morning but congested so I rang the specialist who would be performing jaydens procedure tomorrow. Fortunately he agreed with me to postpone the procedure and he's booked in for late May. A little (maybe big) part of me was relieved to have it postponed. Nice to have just one less thing to worry about for now.

It's really late in the evening now and he's having a very restless sleep. He's just woken and saying he's cold and his temperAture is really low. Again I'm getting myself caught up in worse case scenarios because worse case scenarios is what I know now. I can't sleep worrying about him, and am so concerned.

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