Thursday, 16 April 2015

Wednesday 15th April

Images and memories of Jaydens treatment will always haunt me. Especially At times when I'm on my own in my headspace. In bed at night, taking a shower, vacuuming, washing the dishes, the times my head isn't busy. The images appear. Today whilst showering a flash of jayden after he had yet another procedure. Danny and I going into the recovery room and seeing him laying in a hospital cot crying, so frightened. His face all blown up from the excess fluids. His little face all wet covered in tears. Oh my god, the sadness and gut wrenching hurt I felt for him. And my urgency to hold him and take him out of there. to stop everything that was happening to him.What I wouldn't have done to change everything for him.
The images and memories ramp up as the next MRI approaches and the fear is overwhelming.

His procedure this Friday is really worrying me as well. The thought of putting him through something else hurts so bad. I know if it were Luke or Layla I would be worried too and nervous but with Jayden it's far more than that. It's wanting so desperately to protect him from anymore hurt in his life, it's the rehashing of all the hospital experiences we have had with him and the fear and anxiety that comes with that. It's like having a burn and whenever that scar goes near heat again it hurts.

I'm so worried about it all. He's unwell today which has amped my concerns up even more. Nothing specific but just wanting to be laying on the couch and me to be right near him. I know something is up. He has no temperature but I know something's wrong. And it's the not knowing of what exactly it is that's terrifying.

I just love my little man so much and I hate that I can't protect him from every thing. I so badly want him to be safe, always and forever. All my kids.


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