Monday, 4 May 2015

I Watched my little man today and he looked tired. Tired more than normal. Of course I'm
Always worrying and with his MRI coming up this Thursday I'm border line terrified. It truly never, ever gets easier. Never.

I look at his little face and I feel so much love for him. I love him so much I want to cry. Cry because I'm scared. So very terrified. So scared. Words are not enough to explain my love and my fear of losing my little man. I'm truly terrified. And everytime I look at him I hurt so bad inside, because I'm so scared for him.

Every MRI is terrifying. I feel like I can't breathe properly in the days leading up to them and my ability to function on a day to day basis becomes almost impossible. I exist within a grey cloud and find it difficult to focus on anything but the worry of the MRI.

Yes, I get up in the morning and get on with it all but it's all done on auto pilot. I often feel as if I'm this big balloon full of tears that is about to break open. That I am constantly holding it together for if it does break I will no longer have any control. The energy I use to keep it together is the energy in which I exist on and the only thing I have control of.

I wish I had control of all of this. The lack of control is terrifying.

My little man is so truly amazing and I love him beyond words, as I do all my kids.

Praying and hoping with all my might that his MRI will be all clear and he will be fine. And praying and hoping he will get to live the life he always talks about and dreams of. I so hope and pray for this.

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