Saturday, 6 June 2015

I haven't written here in so long and now that I finally have the updates have changed everything slightly so it all even looks different to post in.

A lot has happened and the most significant and important is Jaydens MRI was clear. We haven't Yet seen the final report but hoping that it will be all ok.

Jayden was extremely brave going into this MRI and for the first time
he walked into the room instead of me carrying him to where the anaesthetist was waiting for him. He held my hand as we walked into the room and it wasn't until we got to the bed that he turned to me to be picked up and cuddled. I sat with him on the chair with him on my lap and they put the mask on his face and after a bit of a struggle he drifted off to sleep. He only struggled a little as I'm sure it still frightens him but he did well. it was probably the best one we have done yet.

It's difficult to say what's worse, him struggling or him getting use to something that he has had to consider as normal.
Of course though it's much better to not see him so stressed. And whether we like it or not, this is our normal.

I think it helped a lot that we also talked about it before bed the night before. He always asks to not go and pleads with me that he never has to go back. There's always lots of tears and Its so hard not to cry with him. In side my heart aches. But he was really brave the next day and I was so very proud of him as I know how hard it was for him to do that.

When he woke from the anaesthesia he was very upset. I imagine it will always be scarey for him to wake in a room full of strangers. But by the time I was allowed in and had him scooped up in my arms and given him a long awaited treat he was ok. He's always so keen to get the canular out of his arm and to get out of there. We all always we all went in and all of us fasted with him. I'm so proud of my kids for doing this with him.

Shortly after we left and came home and after hearing the news that all was ok we were able to finally take a breath. The weeks leading up to this scan had been so very difficult.

A lot had happened and emotions were running very high. So high that I was not able to blog about it.
Sometimes it's just better for me to keep them in than let them out and those weeks was one of those times.

Right now I'm laying next to my little man and I'm unable to sleep.

Since I last wrote my dad has decided to sell his house which is the home we live in now. The only home my boys have known. And the home I've been in since I was 13. It's sad to know we have to move but I'm trying to focus on the change as being a good one. It will be very sad to say goodbye to all the wonderful memories and to my mums home. She loved this home and she died here. It will be a very emotional move in deed.

We will be moving into a much smaller house so the decisions to throw things out have been hard. In particular anything of Jaydens. Very hard.

With the recent clear scan though I'm anxious to get moving. I just want to be settled in our new place as soon as possible. But everything takes time and of course the house has to be sold first.

Tomorrow I'm up early to venture to our local flea market to sell some of our stuff. Hopefully make a bit of money to buy new stuff.

Jaydens sleeping soundly snuggled up to me and Luke is too. I love watching them sleeping and so peaceful. So very grateful for these moments.

Sadly the stress of moving has not made it possible for me to stop and truly enjoy my kids. I always seem to have something to pack or clean and at the end of the day I feel so guilty for not spending more time with them.

Homeschooling them has at least given me some time to be with them. Even though we are working we are together. I won't lie it hasn't been easy, getting them motivated has definitely been a challenge. But seeing them together hanging out everyday has truly been wonderful. Jayden absolutely idolises his brother. He wants to be like him so much and does everything Luke does. Lukes helps him heaps with his work and jayden just loves that.

Jaydens growing into a beautiful little boy, he loves his puppy and our other animals, he loves to chat and he's truly the most loving little boy. He wakes every morning with a smile and a super big cuddle for me which just brightens my morning big time. He's also even become quite cheeky which although can make me cross sometimes it also makes me so happy and appreciate that he's growing up and able to test the boundaries.

Difficult to get truly cross with him though as the guilt that follows is awful. I did today and felt terrible. Trying to move, get time to do stuff and then try to fit him in is difficult and when I don't I lay awake at night worried that I missed a day without making the most of my precious little man and my other kids. Those feelings are awful because you know you can't get those moments back and I can't help but worry about how many I will have.

Both the boys had birthdays since I last wrote also. Jayden turned five and Luke nine. So very very grateful for birthdays. I so hope and pray for many many more of those. They both had wonderful days and on each of their birthdays we did something special of their choice as a family. Jayden wanted to go to an indoor park which was great for the kids and Luke wanted to go go cart racing which they loved. Jayden and I didn't do the go cart racing it as he's too young but Luke, danny and Layla had a blast. Great birthdays.

I'm not wearing my glasses which I recently had prescribed so hopefully there is not too many errors in this entry. Yes, I'm getting old so now need glasses. And I know not to complain but rather to be grateful that I am getting old.
I only hope and pray that jayden and all my kids get that same privilege. Always hoping and praying for that.

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