Monday, 3 August 2015

We received the letter in the mail yesterday. The one that informs us when Jaydens next MRI is. Whenever I see those envelopes I know where they're from. I know what it's about. before I open it I can feel the anxiety inside me flow in like a creeping wave. My heart hurts. The mood I had initially when going to the mailbox to check for mail instantly changes. I'm no longer thinking about what's in the mailbox and now stressing about the impending MRI.

My little man is unwell at the moment and I'm grateful that it appears to just be a cold but it's not the cold I'm worrying about. I watch him closer than ever and feel the fear of the future encompass me again. Sometimes there's moments where I can forget and live in a place of denial for a short time but then the reality kicks in. This letter jolts me back there in an instant. The not knowing, the what ifs, the fear of the future. All of it encompasses me once again.

I laid awake watching him sleep last night. Hoping, praying and wishing with all my might that everything will be ok. I love him so very much. All my kids. My heart aches with fear.

I read about another child diagnosed with ATRT and the mother has contacted me. It breaks my heart. Another family entering this world and I know she is one of hundreds that have also joined her. I hope that I can bring her comfort but I know from my own experience that true comfort in this journey can only be gained from knowing your child will forever be ok and no one can tell us that, not ever.

Hoping and praying that one day a cure will be found and cancer will be a distant memory or should I say distant nightmare, in all our lives and we can all live with the peace of knowing our children, will be ok.



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