Saturday, 19 December 2015

I haven't felt this scared in a while. I'm not sure if it's just that Jaydens next MRI is around the corner or that I woke this morning reading of two other children with Jaydens condition recently relapse after four years in remission, or that a friends child has also recently relapsed. it's know doubt, all of the above. I'm really terrified.
I wanted to be writing about Jaydens graduation ceremony at kindy the other day and how exciting it was, how proud I was, and how emotional I felt. I wanted to have the feelings of hope inside, that one day I would see him graduate from high school and then maybe Uni or whatever path he chose. But instead I feel empty. Scared. Really fearful of the future and the sense of needing to grasp hold of every second with him and not let any of it go, is overwhelming.

I spent today with him. We went to the river first and collected shells so that he could complete the border he is doing around the flower garden we planted together out the front of our house. We walked along the sand picking the ones he liked best and I watched him, soaked him in, quietly praying inside that he will be ok. Constantly hoping, wishing, praying.
We then went to a coffee shop and had a milkshake and snack. All the while I just soaked every second, all the while fearing about the future and all the while trying not to think about it. A constant battle going on in my mind.

I watched him tonight as he slept and I felt the tears well up in my eyes. I'm trying. Trying to live in the moment. Trying to stay positive and hopeful but some days feeling succumbed to the fear.

At his graduation the other day the teacher told us what each child wanted to be when they grew up and what they wanted Santa to bring them for Christmas this year, as she presented them with their certificates. Jayden wants to be a builder and build houses, she said. I was so proud but so sad. So worried and so fearful that he won't get to be the builder he hopes to be. He wants a forklift from Santa "one that works", she said. that made me smile. His dreams and wishes are big. I stood there hoping and praying he will fulfil his dreams. I looked at all the other parents and envied their feelings. Knowing they are like I was, at Lukes kindy graduation and Layla's, then, not having the fear, the worry, the sadness but instead seeing my child grow and looking forward to the future with them. Instead I'm standing there at Jaydens, hoping and praying That one day he will have that future, that he will be that builder and drive that forklift. But also knowing, and trying to fight off that knowing. Trying to shake that low odds, that slim possibility, and trying to focus on him being that slim chance. With every inch of my being I want that. Trying to focus on the now, the moment, enjoy that moment and wish for many more years of beautiful moments.

Christmas is around the corner and every morning Jayden wakes with excitement to move the felt candy cane in our advent calendar into the day's pocket and retrieve the treat in it. He counts the days and his face lights up as he realises how much closer we are getting until Santa visits. This is such a beautiful time of the year. But I can't help but feel torn between emotions. Happiness to be blessed to be spending it with all my children but fear of the next Christmas. That constant battle in my mind.

He's asleep. So should I be. Hoping and praying that we get so many, many more Christmases together as a family, what I wouldn't give for that.

Big smiles at the coffee shop with mum

Deep in thought.

Kindy graduation

Hanging out with his mate

Love this smile. :)

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