Monday, 29 February 2016

I convince myself I'm getting better. That the fear, anxiety and sadness is slowly diminishing but what's really happening is I'm getting better at burying it. It never goes away. Never.
Like visiting the Hospital the other day for Jaydens bone density scan...it all came rushing back, flooding my mind and overflowing my senses. It never goes.....

And today.... Jayden woke complaining of an ache in his leg. Nearly in tears he tells me it's hurting. I try to tell myself it's probably just growing pains or something else simple and "normal" to children his age. But he's not a normal child and my thoughts don't stay in the thought I want them to. Instead I'm stressing that it's something far more sinister....because I know sinister happens. I wish I didn't know that. I wish I still lived under that rock of ignorance to the nightmare of childhood cancer. But I don't....and every ache or pain or eye movement that he does sends me into a tail spin. My heart sinks, I feel sick to the stomach and my instincts to keep it together in front of him and not show him my fear kicks in. Brushing it off as nothing to him and telling him he will be OK is what comes out but inside I'm dying. Inside I'm scared out of my mind. I dropped him off at school today after I gave him some pain relief and he came good and wanted to go, i would have quite happily kept him home otherwise. As he walked in I noticed he was limping and my heart sank again. Please don't let it be something bad, please please please let it be something simple I could hear myself saying in my head. Am I praying.... Am I hoping with all my might that if there is a force that's a god then please may he be listening...yes indeed, I am.

The next day....

I picked up Jayden from school yesterday and noticed a big scratch down his leg. When I asked him what happened he told me he fell. I couldn't help but think it was his sore leg that failed him..panic kicked in and I calmly asked him "how's your leg? Is it still sore". He replied with his sprightly manner "it's great mum, it doesn't hurt anymore", relief swept over me only to be covered again by my focus now going to his eye. Every now and then I think his left eye is looking different and as he tells me his leg is fine it's like it's been temporally ticked off my "worry list" and I simply go to the next box and worry about that, which in this case is his eye.

He's off to school now and I'm sitting in the waiting room of my psychologist. I haven't seen Her for some time but with recent events with Jaydens bone density scan, I feel as if I need to. Hopefully she can help me make sense of it all although I'm pretty sure this is just part and parcel of this journey.

Saturday, 20 February 2016

Bone density scan

It's been a while since I've written in here and a lot has been happening. The best news is that we saw Dr Nick about Jaydens recent MRI and all was good.

Recently we had to take Jayden for a bone density scan. The idea is to get a base line for his development in order to keep an eye on any damage his treatment may have done to his bones. It's difficult to understand the importance of it when Jayden seems to be growing and his happy and content. But apparently it's necessary. A part of me though can't help but think that's it's just their way of making sure all their boxes are checked and I just don't feel entirely ok with that.

Slipping back a minute.... Jaydens extremely happy at school and has a very special friend whom he has connected with beautifully. In fact this beautiful little friend of his named Titan is what has helped me to leave Jayden at school as I know he is happy and that just means so much. Little titans face lights up when he sees Jayden and when Jayden had to leave early for appointments or is away from
School Titan gets very upset. He's such a beautiful little boy and it feels so good to see jayden has bonded with him and that they have such a special friendship.

Back to bone density scan....
So we had this appointment for the scan last week and Jayden was so upset about the prospect of it that we rescheduled for the following week, which is this week. All week I was stressing about it and unbeknown to me at the time, so was Danny.
I don't know exactly how to explain it . So I'm just going to say this.... Any procedure or time we have to go to PMH brings up emotions in both danny and I that we work so hard everyday to suppress. So if we can avoid any of the procedures and going to Pmh then we obviously will. We know Jayden feels the same and just wants to get on with his life like his siblings. We all do. And if we have to take him to a procedure or examination that doesn't feel completely necessary then honestly, there are no emotional reserves to do that. We just can't.

I pushed myself to go to the hospital with Jayden and All the way there I just wanted to turn the car around. My heart was racing and my stomach churned, anxiety was kicking in at an awful rate. We arrived on time and let the receptionist know we were there. The waiting made it worse and every inch of me wanted to walk out. I know this is not huge. Jaydens been through so much worse and we as his parents have had to watch and let it happen. But that's the whole point. We don't have anything left to do anything. Unless it's absolutely necessary for his survival there is nothing left in us.
The feelings I had sitting in that waiting room were the same feelings I had when Jayden was in the thick of treatment....anxiety, fear, sadness....all of them circling within me as if I was right back there. It's very real. I didn't want to be there, I know Jayden didn't and I just wanted to pick him up and run.
The nurse came out and spoke to us. She was truly wonderful. She understood how I was feeling and we had a talk about it and her words were "you are Within your rights as his parent not to do this. ". She suggested we get more information in the hope it would make me feel more comfortable. She gave me the paperwork and left and i turned to Jayden and told him he doesn't have to do it and we are going home. He fist pumped the air and excitedly said "yes!"

My sentiments exactly.


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