Monday, 29 February 2016

I convince myself I'm getting better. That the fear, anxiety and sadness is slowly diminishing but what's really happening is I'm getting better at burying it. It never goes away. Never.
Like visiting the Hospital the other day for Jaydens bone density scan...it all came rushing back, flooding my mind and overflowing my senses. It never goes.....

And today.... Jayden woke complaining of an ache in his leg. Nearly in tears he tells me it's hurting. I try to tell myself it's probably just growing pains or something else simple and "normal" to children his age. But he's not a normal child and my thoughts don't stay in the thought I want them to. Instead I'm stressing that it's something far more sinister....because I know sinister happens. I wish I didn't know that. I wish I still lived under that rock of ignorance to the nightmare of childhood cancer. But I don't....and every ache or pain or eye movement that he does sends me into a tail spin. My heart sinks, I feel sick to the stomach and my instincts to keep it together in front of him and not show him my fear kicks in. Brushing it off as nothing to him and telling him he will be OK is what comes out but inside I'm dying. Inside I'm scared out of my mind. I dropped him off at school today after I gave him some pain relief and he came good and wanted to go, i would have quite happily kept him home otherwise. As he walked in I noticed he was limping and my heart sank again. Please don't let it be something bad, please please please let it be something simple I could hear myself saying in my head. Am I praying.... Am I hoping with all my might that if there is a force that's a god then please may he be listening...yes indeed, I am.

The next day....

I picked up Jayden from school yesterday and noticed a big scratch down his leg. When I asked him what happened he told me he fell. I couldn't help but think it was his sore leg that failed him..panic kicked in and I calmly asked him "how's your leg? Is it still sore". He replied with his sprightly manner "it's great mum, it doesn't hurt anymore", relief swept over me only to be covered again by my focus now going to his eye. Every now and then I think his left eye is looking different and as he tells me his leg is fine it's like it's been temporally ticked off my "worry list" and I simply go to the next box and worry about that, which in this case is his eye.

He's off to school now and I'm sitting in the waiting room of my psychologist. I haven't seen Her for some time but with recent events with Jaydens bone density scan, I feel as if I need to. Hopefully she can help me make sense of it all although I'm pretty sure this is just part and parcel of this journey.

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