Wednesday, 13 April 2016

Recent MRI

Jayden recently had an MRI. It was earlier than the one he was due to have in May because he started to show some worrying symptoms. We were so worried. Fortunately everything is fine. We are all so relieved and can breathe again for a while. I will never stop worrying but for now I can breathe.

I can't sleep. I miss my mum so much when I get these moments where I can't sleep and desperately need to speak to someone who understands me. Through all of this I just wish I had her around. Because no one understands me like she did. I'm feeling so emotional and my head is spinning with anxiety and I feel as if I'm going crazy.
Through all of this I'm just not functioning. You'd think I would be by now but I feel as if a part of me (the bit that controlled coping) has broken, completely. And now I'm left with what's left.
I really feel like a crazy person. Seriously, my mind is so messed up sometimes that just simple everyday functioning is difficult. Not always. The last couple of weeks have been good but as soon as something comes up in my life that's the least bit stressful I tip. Right over. No coping mechanisms left at all.
I wish I could just snap my fingers and all would be ok.

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I wrote that entry two weeks ago. I had hit a wall emotionally. I had been trying to ween myself of my antidepressants but in doing so I just dived deep down into a black hole. It took me a while to realise I needed to go back on them and I have done so. I think I just needed to accept that our new normal is not easy and I can't do it without help.

Jayden is doing well, we had a lovely Easter. He was so excited Easter morning it's such a beautiful time. I'm so very grateful.
I packed away the Easter decorations the other day and always feel sadness. The sadness is the fear. I don't even want to write down what I fear because it's scares me to do so.....that probably sounds crazy.

Today is Tuesday and I'm in hospital after having surgery to have a varicose vein in my leg removed...ouch. I had to stay in over night and danny came in last night to visit with Jayden and Luke
Jayden little face was so full of concern when he saw me. He looked so very worried. I love my boys so very much and my beautiful girl. It was only one night but I missed them. I missed snuggling up to my little man and kissing all three of them goodnight. Looking forward to going home today.


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