Sunday, 15 May 2016

So long....

It's been so long since I last wrote. I've had many a time I've wanted to or gone to but haven't. It's not that i haven't wanted to put my feelings down or a memory in writing but more a case of no longer in the routine of doing so. Other things get in the way and the moment is gone, replaced by the hope that the memory stays with me forever.

Jayden is in pre primary at school now and loves it. He turns six this Wednesday and we had a party with family and friends this weekend gone. He was so excited. We were and are. Milestones for Jayden are huge. Four years ago I never thought I would see this day with him or any day we have had before and I feel so very blessed. Nothing is taken for granted anymore. We are so very grateful. So very grateful to see him blossom into the awesome little boy he has become. He has so much personality, yet such a gentle sole. He loves to play with girls just as much as he does boys. He will sit for hours with his girl friends playing Sylvanian families just as he would cars with his mates. He has made some beautiful friends at school and has some truly beautiful teachers.

Jayden it such beautiful company at home. He loves to help everyone out where ever he can. He's the first to jump out of his chair to help me with the groceries or come with me to walk the dogs. He'll help me put the clothes out on the line and take them off when they dry. He will try to help with everything; mopping, dusting, vacuuming, washing the dishes. I think it's just as much the helping as it is being along side me that makes him so keen. He's my little shadow and I love him to bits. Like all my kids they are my life and the reason I get up every morning.

Things financially for us have been challenging lately and I've had to go back to work like most people, it's difficult to live off one income. It's been nice but also weird to be back at work and it took me quite sometime to actually get work. Fortunately I now have a job and fitting it in with school drop offs and pick up is always a challenge as it is for all mums working. I'm finding it weird as it's another step in trying to fit into a new normal. Our lives will never be as they were so returning to work is very different to how it once was. Most people have no idea what we have been through and I find myself not really knowing whether that's a good thing or whether I should be blurting out our past. Part of me definitely wants to be anonymous because anonymous almost makes it like it never happened. But the other part knows it happened and knows how raw it still is and will remain forever to be. Part of me feels that when people know then maybe then they will understand me better but then another part knows unless you've been through this you will never truly understand.

I find myself these days still stressed. Still anxious. Still a basket full of worry. I think I'm better at containing it but not sure if that's a good thing. I find I'm still very easily upset....more sensitive I guess is a better way to say it. I try to convince myself that I have thicker skin now but when something crops up that pushes the buttons that keep me together, I collapse in a mess. It's as if I no longer have a middle ground....all or nothing now. Im fortunate that I have a partner that understands my crazy and talks me through it with me. Although I know he doesn't understand me completely, he's willing to be there and that's all I can ask for.

Other things that crop up unrelated to Jayden seem bigger than before. I feel like I no longer have the coping mechanism left for extended family dramas or friendship dramas. It's all too overwhelming and I feel like I want to hide from it all and remain in the safety net of my family and my home. Is it better to just shut those out that affect you emotionally than to try and sort it out. Once upon a time I would work hard to work it out. Now I find myself doing the opposite. I don't want to waste emotional energy anymore. I just want my war in my head to find peace.

Today both the boys are unwell with a virus. Having them home together is pure joy. Even though they are not feeling the best they still seem to find the energy to laugh and play together. They always manage to be sick at the same time....they seem to like sharing their viruses and time it perfectly so they are both home at the same time.....not completely sure yet if that's on purpose or coincidence?
Either way I'm just happy to spend time with them both.

Layla is away on school camp and I really miss her. I really miss the estrogen in the house and our late night chats.

I haven't been sleeping very well at the moment and finding myself waking in the early hours of the morning not being able to fall back asleep. Not sure if it's a hormonal thing it the racing of my mind even in dreams that wakes me. It causes me to be tired and begin the cycle all over again for the next night....is that insomnia? I don't know.

Anyway I'm going to finish her and post some photos of Jaydens birthday celebrations. I'm hoping they will post as I've been having difficulties since I made this blog private. I do wish I was more computer savvy.
Nope it's not working. I can't post the photos. Shame :(




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